When I hear the preferences some women have for a man sometimes I cringe at how petty some of them sound. I recently read the blog of a 50 year old single woman who is looking for a husband. She admits that her child bearing years are most likely behind her but wants to find a man who wants to have children with her and rejects men who don’t want to have children. Huh?
However, it would be a huge mistake for me to feel superior. There is a significant preference that I held in the past that over the last year or so I have come to recognize was definitely wrong. What preference?
“I want him to be a committed Christian.”
Some may wonder, “What is wrong with that?”
Since it is my desire to be in submission to my husband if I marry it only makes sense that I would want to be assured of the spirituality of the man who I will trust with that, right? On the surface that sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?
But really, it wasn’t reasonable.
It wasn’t reasonable because my ideas about what constituted being a “committed Christian” were from an entirely feminine perspective, as I believe is the case for many Christian women, both single and married. I judged the spirituality of men based on things such as church attendance and involvement in Bible study or a small group which are all things that women engage in and often grow through (though actually it is a poor metric to measure anyone’s spirituality by). These were things that my then church (and many churches and ministries) touted as measures of spirituality. However, these are not necessarily things that define spirituality for a man. Single Christian Man recently referred to this phenomenon as a “false metric” in a comment over on the Scripturally Single blog.
I think what helped me recognize this in myself was first learning about the feminization of the culture and the effects of feminism on the church. Once I was able to recognize the feminine bias it quickly became abundantly clear that my former way of gauging a man’s spirituality was deeply flawed.
I still have a preference for a committed Christian man, but the metric has changed. What is the new metric? What defines spirituality in a man? Good question... I have not entirely figured this out yet but I am keeping my eyes and ears and mind open.
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16 comments:
(though actually it is a poor metric to measure anyone’s spirituality by)<<
It looks like you have at least acknowledged what the question is and what it is not .
SCM,
When I first read your comment I wondered what you meant by it but then I figured you were referring to what some have called "churchianity". Am I correct?
I still wonder which of these issues came first, the supression of masculinity in the church or the the loss of focus on genuine faith in Christ (vs "churchianity").
You have yourself acknowleded that the metric is poor - for both men and women. That is, you have decided that the question is not one's degree in involvement in the church.
This is not to say that church involvement is a negative thing -- it's just measuring some other thing than the vitality of someone's life with God. My ex was on the music ministry of a local church while openly having an affair. Ted Haggard was privately doing meth and having some kind of inapproriate or immoral intimacy with someone while running a church and the NAE. I don't mean to offer these as tsk. tsk. sentiments .. I just mean to underline and underscore that religous activity is not a substitue for a life with God.
As to your second paragraph, I think the 2nd reponse is so, but there's a whole lot of territory encompassed by that idea "faith in Christ."
I offered the "false metric" on S.S. because I saw so many sisters on christian cafe and a few other dating sites (and one in person) say, more or less, something to the effect that they were looking for a man who was active in church; and I noticed also some men, in their profiles, offering their church involvement as some kind of bona fides (I was doing, if you will pardon me, opposition research :) )
A few of these women were very snippy with me, though I thought my profile explained honestly my sense of my relationship with God. It is possible - I don't want to paint with a broad brush -- but it is possible that we have pervesely inculcated this idea of church attendence so thoroughly that both men and women alike have fused this with the idea of their relationship with God. Certainly there is an observable relationship, but they are not causal one to the other. Men, I think, may be a bit more intuitively understanding of why they join a pack, a tribe, or a group. This intuitive understanding may be why they drag their feet about joining churches. As we have noted, joining churches isn't bad, but that's some other thing than the Good that we need to uphold if we don't want to loose sight of goal.
SCM,
I think this "false metric" concept is important to talk about because I think many christian women are confused about this. I have been a part of many conversations among women on the subject and I would estimate that the majority of Christian women (married and single) are confused about what a man who is pleasing to God "looks like".
Well, let's start with what you think the metric should be for a woman -- and while we are at it, why we think we need a metric. Really.. is this something that can quantified? Or is it something that you experience from this other soul, like listening to music or seeing art? Surely there is scriptural precedent and instruction to look at "fruit of the Spirit", is there not? Is the "fruit" different for men and women?
Oh, gosh ... this is one that raises my blood pressure. I have known more men (and women) playing church and looking good in these roles than I can count ... my ex included. And there are three pastors in my family ... them included.
To me, a commited Believer is determined by his/her heart ... where ever his/her heart is, that's where he/she is. Is he/she pliable in the hands of God? Is he/she teachable? Or does he/she already know everything about God he/she needs to know? Is he/she dependent on God? Does he/she give God credit for what is God's? Or does he/she believe he/she is self-sufficient, takes credit for all he/she has.
The following are NOT indicative of intimacy with God:
church attendance
church involvement
praying before meals
knowledge of the Bible
ability to speak "church"
success on any human level
how high he/she has risen
in the church hierarchy
the number of pre-packaged
Bible studies one takes ...
or the number of any kind of
Bible study or class one takes
The following would be indicative of intimacy with Christ:
when he/she read the Bible:
does it mean something?
does it change the way
one thinks?
does it drive you to your
knees?
does it reveal your humanity
rather than confirm
your piety?
does it ever cause you to weep?
how does one respond to the
widow, orphan, the one in need?
does one care to be noticed when
they are serving God?
does one naturally serve without
thought?
following his/her heart, where does
it lead you?
when you look deep into their soul,
are you able to see anything?
or are they so guarded there's
nothing to see?
how do they handle conflict?
anger? frustration?
dissappointment?
when they speak, are their words
hollow? or do they back them
up?
on what do they spend their money?
what do they value?
There's more ... but I've got to put my daughter to bed ;)
Ame
www.amexpression.com
SCM,
I think the fruit of the spirit is the same for men and women though I also think that godly men and godly women do not "look" exactly the same (though I cannot come up with an example at the moment because my brain stops functioning after 10pm!).
I think you are right in that the issue is really about getting to know a person and not judging them on some "metric" especially if that "metric" is a list of requirements like "he must go to X church" etc. But I think some women (I'll just talk about women because I have lots of experience listening to what women say about this stuff...and I am one) don't do that for various reasons. I think some women are caught up in superficial issues like whether he has hair on his head (or back) or what he does for a living and don't get beyond that. I think some masculine qualities have become villified so some Christian women mistake masculinity for "sin" and don't look beyond it. I think some women are afraid to "risk" getting to know (and perhaps become emotionally attached to)a man without some clear "sign" that he is "a good Christian" before they get to know him. I think some women just like "rules" to follow. I'm sure there are other reasons too.
Ame,
Excellent comment! :)
Emotional sophistication, or maturity, is not something that happens automatically to a man -- or a woman. I'm going to pick on Ame a bit in this morning's post at my 'blog; not in good fun (nor in unkindness) but to examine some suppositions.
It would be a huge mistake to judge her, especially if you don't know if her intent is adoption, foster parenting, or some kind of missions work that involves a parent role.
I think it's reasonable for women and men to have preferences for mates that are consistent with their life goals, whether it's birthing children or raising someone else's children in a Christian home with another "committed Christian". Reasonable, but not necessarily realistic. I agree that a 50ish woman would be hard pressed to find a man who would be willing to embark on such an endeavour, but if she feels called to do that or stay single, then all the power to her, either way.
Likewise, if a woman is intending on submitting to a husband, it is reasonable to have some assurance of that man's spirituality. But her expectations might not be realistic, because there aren't enough single men attending church to go around. Church attendance isn't a feminine "false metric", is a commandment (Exodus 20:8 Hebrews 10:25) that Christians of both sexes generally expect of a potential spouse. But I would agree that small group attendance is more of a feminine expectation (although early churches were small groups).
So although church attendance isn't enough to be assured of a man's spirituality, it's a reasonable criterion, and I wouldn't judge someone who holds to it. However, I also wouldn't judge anyone (particularly any woman, given the shortage of men in our churches) who marries outside of the church, either. Interestingly, in the entire letter of 2 Cor, (where you find the "equally yoked" verse, there's absolutely no mention of marriage).
Everyone has their "shopping list" and some are more or less reasonable or realistic than others. At least someone who holds to the "must attend church" criterion can at least look at someone who does and say OK without thinking too much about it. On one hand they might inadvertently ignore what could be serious spiritual weaknesses, on the other hand at least they're not dismissing someone for petty spiritual infractions. Whereas, someone who has a less concrete definition could window shop for years.
Hello Anonymous,
It would be a huge mistake to judge her, especially if you don't know if her intent is adoption, foster parenting, or some kind of missions work that involves a parent role.
She is clear in her blog that she does not want to adopt or foster. She says that she is looking for a man who wants to have a baby with her even though she has no way of giving him his desire. She freely admits this. You are right, I did judge this as petty.
I think it's reasonable for women and men to have preferences for mates that are consistent with their life goals, whether it's birthing children or raising someone else's children in a Christian home with another "committed Christian". Reasonable, but not necessarily realistic. I agree that a 50ish woman would be hard pressed to find a man who would be willing to embark on such an endeavour, but if she feels called to do that or stay single, then all the power to her, either way.
As I have said before- people, including you, have the right to their preferences. But, sometimes preferences based on our life goals are based on values that are not biblical and do not serve us well. So, I think that it is wise to consider our preferences in the light of scripture and under submission to God. By the way, the 50 something woman is not a believer, Anonymous, I never said she was. So, the things I said about my own erroneous preferences as a Christian woman had nothing to do with her desire to have a man who wants to have a baby with her.
Likewise, if a woman is intending on submitting to a husband, it is reasonable to have some assurance of that man's spirituality. But her expectations might not be realistic, because there aren't enough single men attending church to go around.
Or…her expectations may not be realistic because they are not expectations based in scripture.
Church attendance isn't a feminine "false metric", is a commandment (Exodus 20:8 Hebrews 10:25)…
Exodus 20:8 Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.
Hebrews 10:25 Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the day approaching.
Church attendance is not mentioned in either of these verses. Is it only possible to keep the Sabbath by attending church? Is the only way for believers to meet together in church?
"Exodus 20:8 Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.
Hebrews 10:25 Let us not give up meeting together as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the day approaching.
Church attendance is not mentioned in either of these verses. Is it only possible to keep the Sabbath by attending church? Is the only way for believers to meet together in church?"
Great point.
My girls much prefer "Home Church" to going to church. It's not always our choice, but it sure makes for a MUCH more restful day for all three of us, and my girls learn a LOT more.
Ame
Think of the disparate kinds of ecologies represented by a mud puddle and by an ocean... which supports a grander diversity of life? Then think about the body of Christ on earth and what it means to your life to be involved with just a few or with the many.
Come join the fray over at my blog with the latest provocative questions.
I think that it is wise to consider our preferences in the light of scripture and under submission to God"..."her expectations may not be realistic because they are not expectations based in scripture."
Could you give us a few examples of your idea of "expectations based in scripture" and some that are not?
"Is it only possible to keep the Sabbath by attending church? Is the only way for believers to meet together in church?" I don't know, but I wouldn't want to mess with what we've got. In the first instance, people who "do their own thing" tend to not keep doing whatever it is that they're doing. I think there's truth to the saying "there's strength in numbers".
Hello Anonymous,
Could you give us a few examples of your idea of "expectations based in scripture" and some that are not?
Sure. As far as I am aware (and I make no claim on Biblical scholarship) there is only one expectation that a believing woman should have for a husband that is based in scripture:
-1Cor 6:14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
I think the guys are blessed to get more direction from the Bible about what makes specifically a good wife or a not so good wife (see Proverbs) than we women get about what makes specifically a good husband (specifically husband or wife versus what attitudes and actions we should embrace as believers).
Expectations not based in scripture:
-He should attend church regularly
-He should attend my church
-He should know the Bible better than I do
-He should make enough money that I can stay home with our 4 children
-He should be a certain height, age, musculature, intelligence, educational level etc…
"Is it only possible to keep the Sabbath by attending church? Is the only way for believers to meet together in church?" I don't know, but I wouldn't want to mess with what we've got. In the first instance, people who "do their own thing" tend to not keep doing whatever it is that they're doing. I think there's truth to the saying "there's strength in numbers".
Not attending a “church” is not equivalent to “doing your own thing”. There is a pretty significant house church movement in many parts of the world and those believers manage to keep the Sabbath and meet with other believers without attending church. Personally I love my church and attend weekly…but there is no scriptural admonition that I must do that so it would be unscriptural that I expect that a man do so. He may keep the Sabbath and meet regularly with other believers without ever stepping a foot into a church building.
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