Learning to Balance

An Announcement

2010-02-10T17:13:00.004-05:00

I am sick of snow!

That is all.

A Skype wedding?

2010-01-05T21:06:00.008-05:00

Does it sound crazy to you to marry someone you met on match.com?

What if you also met them in September of 2009 and married in December of 2009?

Okay, and what if you have both also been married and divorced twice before?

What if you fell in love over the video conferencing system Skype?

How about getting engaged without ever being in the same room together?

What if he is in Afghanistan and she is in the US? Not crazy enough?

What if this quadruple time divorced, wartime, Skype, three month long romance, couple who got engaged having never been in the same room with each other got married without ever being in the same room together?

What if that wedding occurred over Skype?

That is just a part of this curious story about the couple who have never even been in the same room together getting married via Skype.

But it's okay because they are both committed Christians, right?

I wish them well but this looks like a disaster in the making to me.

What do you think?

Merry Christmas to all!

2009-12-23T23:47:00.003-05:00

I hope this post finds you all enjoying a blessed and happy Christmas season. I wanted to share a video clip from one of my favorite Christmas shows, A Charlie Brown Christmas, about the real meaning of Christmas. Enjoy!

I love you....who says it first?

2009-11-08T14:02:00.005-05:00

My boyfriend (I shall refer to him as "B") and I recently said those three little words to each other for the first time; "I love you". This was even after B bravely met my family for the first time at my brother's wedding last weekend (no pressure there!). But, I digress....

I found it interesting that my female friends, both Christian and non-Christian alike, universally agreed that the woman should wait for the man to say "I love you" first. The reasons for this included:

The man should lead in the relationship.
I would be embarrassed if I said it first and he did not reciprocate.
He would feel "pressured" if I said it first.
And, other variants thereof.

One friend suggested I "plant the seed on the sly" by signing an email "Love, Learner" and see if he noticed and said anything. I opted not to do that because I figured I was either going to tell him so or wait, not go half way or be "sly".

In the end, even though I knew that I loved B for a while, I decided to wait for him to say it first while doing what I could to express my love to him in ways that did not include just saying the words. I decided to wait because since we started to get to know each other he has had a good feel about when to move forward in our relationship, and I trust his judgement and want to follow his leadership. I later told B about my friend's opinions that I should wait for him to say "it" first and his response was something like "hmm, interesting".

After thinking about this some more I have wondered about another possible reason for waiting for the man to say I love you first. Given the masculine ability to separate emotions from thought and logic better than many women seem to be able to, myself included, perhaps it is prudent to follow the man's lead for when is the right time to say "I love you"?

What do y'all think?

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In other news, I just recently noticed I had a follower named Jody! Hi Jody and thanks for following my blog :)

Female-centric assumptions in academia

2009-10-09T14:34:00.003-04:00

One of the courses I teach this semester has a lab component where I work with groups of 10 or so students on specific skills. These lab courses are conducted in a fairly informal manner and there is a lot of casual conversation going on as skills are practiced. I have the opportunity to hear and participate in some interesting and sometimes disturbing conversations among the students. Mostly I just ask questions to hopefully encourage them to think about what they are saying.

A few weeks back I alluded to one such conversation where a female student claimed a young man who was a neighbor of hers in one of the student apartment complexes was a “loser”. She made this claim following a few minutes reporting how he helped her move heavy objects and how he gave her back rubs. He had asked her if she would knock on his door and wake him up the next morning when she left for class. She said she told him, “No, I’m not your mother”. Apparently asking her to do something helpful for him after doing helpful things for her was just too much to ask and thus earned him the title “loser”. I asked her, “So, what exactly makes him a “loser” and she had no answer to my question. Other young women in the class did proclaim her “mean” but most of them (not all though) still laughed.

This week I also had a conversation about the ever present myth that men are unfairly paid more than women. One of the young women was talking about when she worked at a local Halloween haunted house/ hay ride type of attraction last year. During the conversation she mentioned how cool all of the make-up effects were and that going through the attraction was so scary that she was scared when she went through it even though she worked behind the scenes regularly. She talked about how during the hay ride young men dressed in black with scary masks etc run out of the corn fields and chase and actually jump up on the hay wagon and grab at the people in it. She mentioned that the owner only hired males to do this job. Later in the conversation she mentioned that it was common knowledge that the owner paid the men more than the women. Another female student agreed that was unfair. I asked, “Do the guys do different jobs than the girls?” She answered, “Um, well, yeah I guess they do, they do the chasing the wagon where they stay outside all the time and have to run after and catch the wagon and jump up on it.” I asked, “Are there no women that earn more money too?” She answered, “Well, yes, the make-up artist is a woman and she earns the most.” Hmm….that is always an easy conversation to have, as such it is amazing to me the “it is unfair that men get paid more” myth endures because it is so easy to refute that any difference is due to different types of work and or lifestyle choices made.

Today, a female student was talking about her out-of-state internship this past summer where she dated a medical student she met. She was joking with one of the male students who was also on an internship in the same state who came to visit her one weekend had “chased off” this medical student. “Thanks a lot , he was going to be a doctor!” she joked. “He kept asking me ‘Is he your boyfriend’ and I said that you were just a friend.” She then went on to relate the last conversation she had with the medical student. “He invited me to the lake. He said ‘You’re so pretty, let’s go to the lake. The atmosphere will be perfect.’ Isn't that creepy? Ha ha! And I said, ‘Um, perfect for what?” I asked her “Did you really say that to him?” and she said she did. I said, “Hmm, maybe it wasn’t your male friend visiting, maybe he didn’t take kindly to your assumption that he had some nefarious purpose in mind?” She seemed stunned at the thought, for a second, and then laughed.

Not that the news is all bad on that front. Some of you may recall me mentioning a student complaining to my boss that I had insulted her when I was attempting to give her some feedback about immature behavior. I have not had much more contact with that student until this semester when she is in two of my courses. She has remarkably matured and is taking constructive feedback very well. I am impressed. I guess the threat of my being “reported to social justice” was worth it.

I am following Professor Hale's advice...

2009-09-26T21:19:00.010-04:00

...and doing a short post.

Do you ever see bumper stickers or emblems on cars that drive you crazy? I do.

This one for example:

Apparently women need to "misbehave" to make a difference. I guess that goes with the "bitches get things done" attitude.

Or this one:

I dislike this one because it kind of smacks of the "I'm in the club and you're not" mentality.

I don't like this one either:

I have God along for the ride to help me out!

Or this one:

As though evolution was a theory that could be tested through experiments like gravity.

On the subject of evolution, here is the latest installment in the "Christian fish" vs "Darwin fish"
emblem battle:

I guess I just don't like things based on mockery. I've never seen the symbol of another religion such as Judaism or Islam treated in this manner.

Why my blog is pathetic

2009-09-23T19:11:00.003-04:00

Dear blog readers,

Hello, it's me, Learner. I know I have not been around here much here lately. Life has become rather busy since the semester started and I have not had much extra free time to write here. I have been rather occupied with some increased teaching responsibilities (14 graduate credits, yikes!), professional writing projects, dissertating (yes, it is a verb, as in to work on a dissertation), going to help my dad care for my mom who is home after spending 3 months in a nursing home and daydreaming about a certain wonderful gentleman.

I have had ideas for posts such as:

a rant about going through the review and publication process for a journal article (which I am sure most of y'all would find mind numbingly boring)
a discussion of a recent conversation I had with co-workers where a family court judge was described as "biased toward fathers" because they tended toward 50/50 custody arrangements more often (er....isn't 50/50 kinda unbiased?)
recounting a conversation between several of my female students about why a male neighbor of one of them was a "loser" (made no sense to me)
describing a conversation from my single women's Bible study where a sermon one of the women heard was shared which the pastor specifically said was for "single men" though everyone was invited to "listen in". The subject of the sermon? Sexual purity. Yeah, no one but single men need to learn about sexual purity.
a list of verses from the Bible about how God wants us to live as men and women outside of marriage, children, and sexuality for Catwoman since she doesn't seem to know where any of them are.
a post about why some women don't seem to able to be happy for you when you meet a great guy (to quote one of my friend's after I said I had a wonderful time with the previously mentioned gentleman, "Gag")

Yet, none of these posts has come to fruition. At the moment I don't think any of them will. I also have a few more C.S. Lewis quotes I'd like to share, but that doesn't seem to be happening either.

So, if you'd like to read an interesting post, may I recommend this one over at Imonk about how to talk to Christians of other faith traditions or this one from Terry at Breathing Grace about the difference between falling in love and living in love, because you likely won't find one here! :)

Love,
Learner

Love, marriage and politically correct research

2009-09-06T15:55:00.007-04:00

More on love and marriage from C.S. Lewis

C.S. Lewis has interesting things to say on love and marriage in the The Screwtape Letters. Senior demon Screwtape writes letters to his junior demon nephew Wormwood on how to take humans from "the Enemy" being God, toward "Our Father" being Satan:

Now comes the joke. The Enemy described a married couple as 'one flesh'. He did not say a 'happily married couple' or 'a couple who married because they were in love', but you can make the humans ignore that. You can also make them forget that the man they call Paul did not confine it to married couples. Mere copulation, for him, makes 'one flesh'. You can thus get the humans to accept as rhetorical eulogies of 'being in love' what were in fact plain descriptions of the real significance of sexual intercourse. The truth is that whenever a man lies with a woman, there, whether they like it or not, a transcendental relation is set up between them which must be eternally enjoyed or eternally endured. From the true statement that this transcendental relation was intended to produce, and, if obediently entered into, too often will produce, affection and the family, humans can be made to infer the false belief that the blend of affection, fear and desire which they call 'being in love' is the only thing that makes marriage either happy or holy. The error is easy to produce because 'being in love' does very often, in Western Europe, precede marriages which are made in obedience to the Enemies designs, that is, with the intention of fidelity, fertility and good will; just as religious emotion very often, but not always, attends conversion. (emphasis mine)

When we come from the place that elevates "being in love", a temporary feeling which should not be confused with love, to the pinnacle of human experience, we create an environment where the loss of the feeling of "being in love" can be used as an excuse for all sorts of behaviors destructive to marriage, including infidelity. After all, God wants us to be "happy", right? Right?

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Politically correct research

You never know when you are going to run into examples of political correctness when it comes to the differences between the genders. I attended a dissertation defense on Friday in preparation for my own defense one of these days. The study being defended examined a certain type of knee injury in sports that is more commonly experienced by women than by men, the anterior cruciate ligament, or ACL tear. The researcher outlined the anatomic and kinematic differences between men and women related to this injury. Basically, men tend to land from a jump in more knee flexion than women due to different factors, not the least of which is better balance between the quadriceps and hamstring muscles (ie; women tend to overly rely on their quads resulting in greater knee extension upon landing). And, the ACL is more at risk for injury in extension.

The researcher then went on to describe the study she carried out which involved a way to change landing kinematics such that the women in the study had more knee flexion when landing. After her presentation the audience had the opportunity to as her questions and one of the female anatomy profs asked the following question; "In essence aren't you trying to masculinize these women's movement patterns?" I thought to myself that was true, and that it would make sense to do so to a certain degree if the goal is to prevent ACL injuries among female athletes. But, the researcher answered, "Well, I suppose you could look at it that way, but I prefer not to. It is, in a sense, true, but it isn't appropriate to consider the findings in that manner". The prof who asked the question nodded her approval and from the back of the room I could observe several other profs shaking their heads a bit. Brilliant! Never mind the truth if it makes you uncomfortable to think of it in that way or you find it "inappropriate". We can't imply that men in any way have any inherent superiority to women, now can we?

A milestone

2009-08-31T20:53:00.002-04:00

10,000 Visits here at Learning to Balance. Who'da thunk it?

Love and competition

2009-08-27T14:00:00.002-04:00

In 1942 Christian writer C.S. Lewis published The Screwtape Letters. The book is a series of “letters” between Screwtape, a senior demon and his nephew Wormwood, a junior demon about how to ensure the damnation of people. Lewis makes some chilling observations in the book about many subjects including love and marriage. In this passage “the Enemy” is God and “our Father” is the devil.

The Enemy’s demand on humans takes the form of a dilemma; either complete abstinence or unmitigated monogamy. Ever since our Father’s first great victory, we have rendered the former very difficult to them. The latter, for the last few centuries, we have been closing up as a way of escape. We have done this through the poets and the novelists by persuading the humans that a curious, and usually short lived experience which they call ‘being in love’ is the only respectable ground for marriage; that marriage can, and ought to, render this excitement permanent, and that a marriage which does not do so is no longer binding. This is our parody of an idea that came from the Enemy.

The whole philosophy of Hell rests on recognition of the axiom that one thing is not another thing, and, specially, that one self is not another self. My good is my good and your good is yours. What one gains another loses….’To be’ means to ‘be in competition’.

Lewis seems to have nailed the basis of the struggle in the current culture with marriage 67 years ago.

"Game", Marriage and Football

2009-08-22T21:39:00.006-04:00

"Game"

It seems that "game" is a hot topic in many of the blogs I read lately. Anakin, Novaseeker, and Amir and others have written posts about "game" and PUAs (pick up artists) recently. This is not a subject that I know much about but I have recently done a little reading on the subject to try and understand it a bit more. It sounds to me like "game" is like many philosophies (does it qualify as a "philosophy"?) in that people will argue "it doesn't have to be like that" about the seedier or more objectionable elements. This "don't throw the baby out with the bath water" sort of approach can be seen in various situations such as when people argue that feminism is simply the "radical notion that women are human beings" and reject or down play the radical parts such as the belief that men are scum. Or, when people vilify Christianity because of the Crusades or because Hitler was supposedly a nominal christian.

In this way, Novaseeker writes that "Game is a way for generations of men who have been feminized to become more masculine again." I think it is very true that most women are attracted to men who are competent/confident and who understand their role as the leader and behave accordingly. If "game" helps men learn how to do that I don't think it is a bad thing. But, a lot of what is called "game" on the Internet seems to not just be about being masculine.

Some of the elements that I have read about are quite distasteful to me. For example, one well known blog on the subject of "game" put forth the idea that women are turned on by being afraid of their husbands. I find the idea repulsive. I have experienced very real fear of a man in a romantic relationship and it certainly did nothing to attract me to him and in reality resulted in only bad. I do think there is such a thing as a healthy "fear" for a leader that is about respect for the leader and concern about not displeasing the leader per se. But, I don't think it is good for that respect and "fear" to be a fear of physical violence.

So, I think when more "conservative" people (including yours truly) look at blogs about "game" that all of the distasteful parts are pretty tough to weed through to recognize whatever value there may be in some of the ideas. If there are ideas of merit for men who want to live a life that is pleasing to God in the philosophy of "game" it seems to me that it needs to be presented in a context that eliminates the godless elements.

Marriage: then and now.

I went to see the movie Julie and Julia today. I quite enjoyed it though perhaps many men would consider it a "chick flick" (there were 2 men in the theater with their wives/girlfriends). It was funny and touching and was about a subject interesting to me (and Meryl Streep was fantastic as Julia Child and had the most wonderful period wardrobe). It is a film about Julia Child, iconic American chef, cookbook author and pioneer cooking show host, and Julie Powell, a young woman who blogged her way through cooking all of the recipes in Child's Mastering the Art of French Cooking in one year. I have loved Julia Child since I was a child for some reason. Maybe it was because I found her quite funny and she really was a marvelous teacher (I learned to make a fabulous brioche from one of her cookbooks among other things.....very user friendly). And, I read through the archives of Julie Powel's blog back in 2003 . So, I wanted to see this movie when it came out.

In the movie both Julia and Julie are married and their relationships play a large part in their stories. Both relationships are portrayed as good ones in the film and the husbands are portrayed positively for the most part. But, I noticed definite differences in the relationships of the two couples. Julia Child willingly accepts her husband's advice and help while Julie Powell states she does not need her husband's help yet runs to him when a lobster needs killin'. Julia Child is never portrayed as putting her interest in cooking and writing in front of her husband's work. Rather she moves from diplomatic post to diplomatic post across Europe with him and conforms the work on her cookbook to the needs of his career. Julia and her husband Paul Child are portrayed as having a very loving, playful, and sexually fulfilling relationship where Julia is always shown as welcoming of and enthusiastic about her husband's advances. Julie Powell complains that between her full time job and her blogging project that she doesn't have time for her marriage. In effect she puts a blog before her husband to the point that he complains about the lack of sex in their relationship and she is seen rebuffing his advances in order to cook recipes for the blog.

So perhaps it is not surprising that in the movie Julie Powell's husband walks out on her for a day because she is an admitted "bitch" (and apparently Powell has written another book called Cleaving: a Story of Marriage, Meat, and Obsession to be published later this year about an affair she had after her book about her blogging experience was published). I found the juxtaposition of these two marriages interesting though I doubt that the film makers (the film was produced by Nora Ephron) intended to present the picture they did. I think perhaps Julia Child's marriage would be viewed by many as more confining, however her more traditional model of marriage was "happier" than the "modern" version for both the men and women involved.

Preseason football

I would just like to say that I don't care how many pre-season games the Steelers lose now that they have beaten the Cardinals once again in a Super Bowl rematch. :)

Pictorial Evidence (Warning- possible "ew" factor)

2009-08-16T21:50:00.009-04:00

Amazingly enough, two of my plants have managed to remain alive. Please note, I have not watered or otherwise cared for them in about 6 weeks since they looked like they were done for.

Resilient things, aren't they?

My finger is healing well. I'll spare you any of the more gory pictures* [you're welcome Ame :)], but here is a view from the front after one of my friends debrieded** it where you can see how straight and neat I cut it. I honestly had no idea that rotary cutters were that sharp. It seems a challenge to get it through more than 4 layers of fabric. It looks so much better already, I think it will be barely noticeable. Here's hoping all of the feeling comes back.

* I am not as weird as that sounds. I took the pictures for my students...a good step by step example of wound healing.

** Sorry if the word or image of debriedment gives you the heebie jeebies. I should also point out that the friend who did so is a qualified medical professional....not just a random "buddy" :)

Maybe one of these days I'll write a well thought out post.

Advice for single Christian women

2009-08-06T21:45:00.006-04:00

Blogger SingleChristianMan offers the following advice to Christian women:

Well, single sisters, you know the pickle you are in given the disparities in numbers. I suggest you do something about it.

I give permission for all to widely distribute this prayer, written as a poem as a mnemonic device. Do something beyond virally distributing this across the Internet to all your readers: Actually pray.

For Them (The Prayer for Single Christian Men)

Father, for our brother’s sakes, we ask of you
that you would open the eyes of their hearts, to see
Your leadership, wisdom, and love; and a true
picture of their sonship. Help them be always free
of the love of this world, and to have courage. Soothe
the wounds of this world and the church on them.
Come against their sin with your Shepherd’s love,
Your rod of correction. Cut and polish the gems.
Bring Your staff against their enemies. Reconcile
their questions. Give danger and keep them safe,
teach them Your ways of war and peace; defile
the plans of the accuser. Give power from above
as they wait on You, and bring them back from exile.
We accept them as Your sons and as His brothers.
Amen.

Not for the squeamish

2009-08-06T21:12:00.007-04:00

I like to live on the edge. I have dangerous hobbies like quilting. And, tonight, my obsession with the adrenaline rush of quilting has caught up with me.

I have suffered my first quilting injury. Tonight I sliced a part of the tip/side of my left index finger/fingernail off with a rotary cutter.

It was bound to happen sooner or later with a hobby as dangerous as quilting.

It is pretty swollen and throbbing (the orangey stuff is the antibacterial they slathered on), but at least the doc said she was hopeful I would not lose my fingernail and that once it heals it shouldn't be, in her words, "too badly deformed".

190-something comments?

2009-08-06T11:31:00.002-04:00

I had no idea that when I asked "what is a good woman?" that the post would end up with 190-some comments, so thank you to everyone who contributed to the conversation.

That said, c'mon people! 190-something comments? We are too close to 200 comments to stop now! Doesn't anyone have anything else to say??? :)

What is a good woman?

2009-07-24T18:56:00.004-04:00

Over at Anakin's blog a reader who goes by Pro-Male/Anti-Feminist Tech, left a comment that contained the following statement:

"There are very few good women out there. Good women are only two steps from being unicorns (as in completely mythical). It doesn't matter if I find one or not. Even if I do that means somewhere between 99.98% - 99.996% of good men will NEVER find a good woman."

I responded, 'So .004-.02% of women or 1 in 250,000 to 1 in 5000 women meet your definition of a "good woman"? That kind of begs the question...what is your definition of a good woman?'

This certainly is not the first time I have heard this sentiment regarding the rarity of the "good woman". I usually wonder what exactly a "good woman" is when I read it. So, I thought I would ask you all.

P.S. You don't have to believe good women are almost as rare as unicorns to answer.

Men and women are different

2009-07-18T19:47:00.002-04:00

Men and women are different.

Shocking, isn't it? I have recently been spending some time in the anatomy lab examining cadaveric specimens and I have been struck, once again, at the anatomical differences between men and women. I am not referring to the obvious external differences in reproductive organs, height or body hair either. The muscles of men are obviously thicker, and longer, and even the muscle fascicula (bundles of muscle fibers) of men are visibly larger in girth. Combined with the greater force available via the longer lever arms associated with longer limbs on average, is it any wonder that men are so much stronger than women?

The other difference I noticed was the variation in subcutaneous fat between men and women. Women have an obviously thicker layer of the fat that lies directly below the skin (I am not referring to general body fat, just to the layer of fat that is sort of attached to the skin). It is what makes women's bodies generally more rounded and less angular than men's.

So, yes, men and women are different on the inside as well as the outside.

The generous people who donate their bodies so that those of us in medical professions can learn about anatomy come in all different shapes and sizes. And, sadly, different ages. The specimens currently in the lab ranged in age from early 30s to 80s at the times of their deaths. The youngest was a woman who died from cancer when she was 31 years old. 31 years old.

This week I also attended the funeral of an elderly family member. During the service one of the thoughts that ran through my mind was this, life is short. Whether you die when you are 31 or 88, life is short. Make the most of it. Take some chances and live.

Peepul R Dumm

2009-07-03T01:52:00.003-04:00

When on vacation last week my glass of iced tea was placed upon this cocktail napkin depicting the southern coast of Maine.

A closer look at the napkin reveals this important warning: "Not to be used for navigation"

It reminds me of the therapeutic whirlpool at a clinic I used to work at. On the side of the tub it said, "WARNING: DO NOT HOLD THE PATIENT'S HEAD UNDER WATER WHILE IN WHIRLPOOL."

Of course, it's probably better to be stupid enough to try to navigate from a napkin or hold your patient's head under water than to be a PLANT KILLER! This is what I came home from vacation to:

I've been watering them hoping they bounce back. But, it doesn't look good :( (especially the middle one)

Vacationland

2009-06-28T23:31:00.007-04:00

Maine, that is.

Old Orchard Beach with it's cool tidal pools and patterns in the sand

Portland in the fog

Orr's Island

Lands End

Bailey's Island Bridge, the world's only granite cribstone bridge being repaired

Random vacation thoughts:

- One of these days I am going to learn to take pictures of water with the horizon actually horizontal.

- Boston drivers = crazy

- Connecticut waiters = rude

- Maine = beautiful, but rainy

- Me = Had fun and glad to be home :)

Chick-Flick Lies

2009-06-15T16:18:00.008-04:00

By way of Carolyn McCulley I came across an article from a Christian perspective by Beth Spraul about what has been referred to as "chick porn", titled Chick Flicks and the World's Approach to Men and Marriage. While I would guess that some men (and probably women too)would disagree with some of Mrs. Spraul's points in places (feel free to point them out if you wish), I think, on the whole, the article makes some excellent points.

Mrs. Spraul asks,

"Does watching such movies actually affect our understanding of romance or shape how we go about looking for this ideal husband?

I think the answer is yes.

We may think we are savvy enough to detect the subtle lies present in this genre of films. You might be reading this saying, “What’s wrong with a little escapist entertainment every once in a while? It’s just a Hollywood story, and I know it’s just fantasy.” If that’s the case, then why is there still that sigh or even a tear(s) after the 20th viewing of your favorite romantic movie? Something in us is stirred."

This is a point well taken. When something like a book or movie plays on what deeply affects you, such as a woman's emotions, it is undeniable that will have influence over you. Mrs. Spraul compares so-called "chick-flicks" and "chick-lit" to pornography in their ability to create unrealistic expectations.

"In this article, I’d like to discuss briefly what I think are three powerful lies communicated to and believed by women through this genre of “chick-flicks” as well as “chick-lit” (literature). The lies told to women are introduced at the level of women’s emotions (less harmful, right?), in how they dream about men, and in what they long for relationally. Like pornography, chick-flicks take a good gift from God (romance, relational intimacy) that women are created to desire, and distort it by presenting as “normal” an unbiblical and unrealistic picture of men, love and marriage. And just like men who buy into the lies of pornography, women who believe that their husbands and marriages should always be like what they see on the screen will be sinfully dissatisfied with God’s good gift to them of a “normal” husband and marriage."

She then outlines the lies that these sorts of books and movies tell to women.

Lie #1: Men think of romance and relational intimacy exactly like women do!

This one was shocking to me. I mean, who knew that men and women think differently!?!? I would say "duh!" to this one except that often I think both men and women expect the opposite sex to think about things the same way they do. We think they should know what we mean and know what we need from them without telling them and that the other should "understand" without having to explain it.

Lie #2: If I marry the right man, all will be right in my life.

Mrs. Spraul makes some excellent points about the fact that even a great marriage will not, and in fact can not, make all things right.

"If we as women approach our husbands with expectations that he will be the primary source that takes away all our loneliness, insecurities, fears and longings for love, we hold him to a standard no human being is able to meet in this life. We set ourselves up for great disappointment through these unreasonable expectations. When our husband doesn’t deliver such total sweeping happiness to our lives, we can be tempted to blame him when it is our own worldly and idolatrous expectations that are to blame! Such expectations can even lead us to be discontented wives who are unsatisfied with the day to day realities of life and responsibility in marriage. We can become unsatisfied with our husband’s love and service and care because marrying him didn’t cure our deepest emotional struggles."

I wonder how much of the current epidemic of divorce is the result of such thinking?

Lie #3: I will know that a man is right for me by feelings I get when I’m with him.

In a recent post, commenter SA related a story about a woman who rejected a man out of hand without getting to know anything about him. Perhaps this is an example of what Mrs. Spraul was referring to here:

"The dangers of putting all of your stock in emotion are serious. First, you can easily convince yourself that you are experiencing “true love” while having little regard for a man’s faith, character, service or ability to sacrifice himself for others. Second, for women considering a man who initiates a relationship with them, this over-emphasis on the emotional experience and level of attraction/chemistry can influence such women to dismiss possible suitors based on her “intuition.” I’ve seen it happen—a woman doesn’t immediately “feel” that a man is her “type” or the “ideal” that she’s had in her mind for her husband—so the man is simply dismissed without ever having a chance to demonstrate his possible worthiness."

Good points, I think, both for single and for married women.

I have died and gone to sports heaven....

2009-06-12T22:39:00.002-04:00

Penguins win the Stanley Cup!!!!!!

Yes, but is it really a paradox?

2009-06-01T18:08:00.003-04:00

This deserves a well thought out and concisely written post, but unfortunately I am currently incapable of that. I'll just do the best I can.

Anymore when I hear the word "paradox" the first thing I think is, "oh, they mean some data or evidence that does not fit their firmly held assumptions has come up". Recently I read a post at Carolyn McCulley's blog about an opinion piece in the New York times about a study recently reported on "The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness". The study is a meta-analysis of data from multiple sources which uses logistic regression (beyond my statistical pay grade) to describe "happiness" for men and women for the last 40 years. In a nut shell the findings say that women are less happy now than they were 40 years ago relative to themselves and relative to men.

In his op-ed piece, Ross Douthat offers his opinion that this relative loss of happiness in women is ambiguous.

"All this ambiguity lends itself to broad-brush readings. A strict feminist and a stringent gender-role traditionalist alike will probably find vindication of their premises between the lines of Wolfers and Stevenson’s careful prose. The feminist will see evidence of a revolution interrupted, in which rising expectations are bumping against glass ceilings, breeding entirely justified resentments. The traditionalist will see evidence of a revolution gone awry, in which women have been pressured into lifestyles that run counter to their biological imperatives, and men have been liberated to embrace a piggish irresponsibility.

There’s evidence to fit each of these narratives. But there’s also room for both."

Douthat then goes on to say "Feminists and traditionalists should be able to agree, for instance, that the structures of American society don’t make enough allowances for the particular challenges of motherhood." Sounds more feminist than "traditionalist" (whatever that really means) to me, as in society should support women's choices. He also says that feminists and traditionalists "should also be able to agree that the steady advance of single motherhood threatens the interests and happiness of women. " This actually sounds feminist to me too, because it refers to the happiness and interest of women rather than the disastrous effects of single parenthood on society as a whole. He also advocates that both feminists and traditionalists should be able to get "behind a social revolution that ostracizes serial baby-daddies and trophy-wife collectors as thoroughly as the “fallen women” of a more patriarchal age." Hmm...okay this may get him into trouble with the feminists....

A blogger at the feminist blog Jezebel has a post on the op-ed and on the study itself. What did she focus on? This statement by Douthit: "But all the achievements of the feminist era may have delivered women to greater unhappiness. " And of course she objects vehemently. Because feminism has brought only light and rainbows and flowers and butterflies to the world, right? She postulates the unhappiness felt by women is not because feminism has screwed society up beyond belief and encouraged women to become dissatisfied with, well just about everything, but rather because feminism has not brought enough equality and so women are pissed. The idea that women are discriminated against is highly debatable in the current culture (and I would say not true). But, what she also doesn't get is that any group of people who share characteristics and are different from another group of people are gaining nothing by comparing themselves.

I am 5'5" in height, not short, but hardly statuesque either. What if I compared myself to people 6 feel tall and over? I bet they don't have to get on a kitchen chair to reach the top 2 shelves in their kitchen cabinet! These tall people's feet probably touch the floor when they sit in restaurant booths or when riding in an airplane! It's wrong I tell you. Houses, restaurant booths and planes should be built to accommodate me! I am discriminated against! Woe is me! No wonder I am less happy! The idea that it is reasonable to compare yourself with others who are not like you to begin with makes no sense to me.

Of course that completely misses the fact that like tall people who don't have enough leg room in planes or restaurant booths and probably hit their heads on things far more often than I, just like men experience things differently than women. It seems to me that women would be happier if they stopped comparing themselves to men.

An invitation to women

2009-05-30T14:04:00.002-04:00

Over at Biblical Manhood, Anakin has a post about women finding his blog and or MGTOW/MRA misogynistic. Perhaps Suzanne and Janet would be willing to answer the following question here: What on Biblical Manhood did you find misogynistic?

Come ladies, let's reason together.

(Suzanne I am sorry for the recent loss of your father. Please feel free to ignore me at this time if this discussion may cause you further distress)

Insert snappy title here

2009-05-29T10:20:00.006-04:00

Still struggling with brain freeze, though I was able to finish writing a proposal (whew!) that was hanging over my head. So, again, here are some random thoughts for your consideration.

Extremism: I while back I wrote a post where I talked about the benefits of considering opinions more extreme than my own. It takes a bit of mental work, but often there is some truth at the base of many extreme opinions. I just have to be careful that I don't get carried away with it. Yesterday in the comments to a post over at Novaseeker's I made the mistake of reading the comment of someone who I had previously decided to avoid reading the comments of. However, I saw that he referred to my friend Ame, so I read it. You know, this may be the first time ever that I saw some good from porn. Perhaps it is better for women if some men prefer porn to them. Of course the reason it would be better has to do with the effects of porn to begin with, so that is rather a circular argument (and yes, entirely facetious).

Purity: Via email, a friend recently commented on some of the discussion over virginity and particularly the, um, physical aspects of it. She shared this bit of wisdom, gleaned in part from The Facts of Life: Purity resides in the heart, not in the vagina. True that.

Along similar lines, but far funnier, was a conversation I recently had with a group of single christian women ranging in age from early 20s to early 50s. We were talking about singleness and sexual temptation when one of the women, a widow in her early 50s who I'll refer to as "J", began to relate a story about a date she was on several months ago. J said that she found the man very sweet and that she really liked him and was struggling with being sexually tempted when he had his arm around her waist. She then shared that she was simultaneously embarrassed that he may be able to feel her Spanx. This lead to her conclusion that Spanx = modern day chastity belt :) (I know the ladies will think that is funny...we laughed over that one for quite a while)

Being "Normal": Or normalcy or normality? I don't know if those are even words. Anyhoo, I am participating in a women's Bible study on the book of Esther and the teacher via video (Beth Moore) did a survey of women, both believers and unbelievers while preparing for the study. One woman, married for a few years but without children, who responded to the survey said that she feared losing her uniqueness. She does not want to be considered normal or ordinary. She does not want who she is to be defined by being some one's "wife" or some one's "mother", she just wants to be "happy". The teacher made a very interesting connection between this woman's thoughts about not wanting to be "ordinary" and the current obsession with the famous and with fame, especially among women. She talked about a term from social psychology, to BIRK, or "birking", which stands for "basking in reflected glory", and how it has become so common for people to idolize the rich and famous to feel worth rather than to ground our worth in God.

In closing: If you are so inclined, please pray for my sister who had a biopsy yesterday and will likely be having a laser surgery in the next month or so due to what they are currently calling "pre-cancerous/suspicious" cells in an area the size of a quarter in her cervix (and for those of you for whom the thought may enter your mind, no, she does not have HPV and was a virgin when she married at 40 years of age).

And...

LET'S GO PENS!!!!!!!!

Sex, marriage, humanity and hat tricks

2009-05-22T10:41:00.006-04:00

Since I appear to currently be unable to produce an entire post on one subject that makes sense, and in imitation of Elusive Wapiti and Terri at Breathing Grace, I present to you, a potpourri of topics.

Sex and Marriage

In the comments to my post Um....yeah (brilliant title, isn't it?) Elusive Wapiti and I had a brief exchange about the role of sex in the marrying of a man and a woman. Briefly, I said that in the old testament sex = marriage, so to God, sex = marriage, and EW said nuh uh (okay, there was more to it than that...go read the comments and the post EW linked to). I'm still not sure what I think about this because of questions that I have about some scriptures. In a comment I made that was buried in the other comments, I said the following:

"I remember reading that post about Bristol and Levi last year. To be honest I am not certain what I think about this issue and perhaps it is a matter of semantics. Does "marriage" occur during the sexual act? I'm not sure, but it kinda sounds like it if you read about Isaac and Rebekah. Even so, if it is not the joining of the two into one flesh that "marries" the man and woman, in both Deut 22 and Lev 22 God commands that if a man has sex with an un-betrothed virgin that he MUST marry her. If he does not marry her and goes on to have sex with another he is having sex with someone other than the woman God commanded that he must marry. It may not be adultery by strict definition but I don't understand how the functional impact is any different.So, I guess what I would say in response is to ask what you would say about the following:- What about Isaac and Rebekah? It appears that their marriage did occur when he "took" her. -What about Deut 22 and Lev 22 that says if a man sleeps with a virgin he must marry her?"

So, what do y'all think?

Humanity

I get annoyed with many "politically correct" ideas. For example, what was the point of changing the tag line "To boldly go where no man has gone before" to "To boldly go where no one has gone before" in the new Star Trek movie (which was a great flick)? However I do insist that my students use what is called "person first language" when referring to our patients/clients. This means we do not call someone a "stroke" or a "nerve injury", we call them a person who has had a stroke, or a person who has had a nerve injury. I insist on this because it is important to see someone as a person, not a diagnosis, and because calling someone a "head injury" is dehumanizing. Other examples of dehumanization include when the Nazis transported the Jews in cattle cars and called them "dogs", and those who are pro-abortion insisting that a baby be called a "fetus" before birth. It's tough to kill people when you think of them as human beings.

Lesser ill will than murder is associated with dehumanization as well. Some feminists call men "animals" to make them easier to distrust and despise. Recently a commenter at MarkyMark's referred to women as "sweaty bags of cellulite". Well.... I'm not quite sure what to say about that other than ask the following. Do you really need to dehumanize women to make the decision for yourself that you don't want to marry or associate with women? If the answer to that question is no, why do it? If it is yes, maybe you should ask yourself why.

Hat tricks

Woo Hoo!!! Geno Malkin had a hat trick last night as the Penguins beat the Hurricanes 7-4 in game 2 of the NHL eastern conference finals. First playoff hat trick for the Pens since who knows when. Stanley Cup predictions anyone? I say it will be the Pens and Red Wings again, but this time my Pens will win (Why, yes, I was born and raised in the Pittsburgh area. Yes, I am a homer. Whatever made you ask those questions? ;) ).

So far, so good

2009-05-21T12:20:00.003-04:00

They aren't dead yet.

Um....yeah

2009-05-17T21:51:00.005-04:00

Writer's block...sigh.

Writer's block = bad thing, especially when it comes to a dissertation. It is getting so bad that I am having increasing difficulty expressing myself in other areas as well, including on this blog. I have started to write three different posts over the course of the past week or so, and....nothing. Maybe I need to do some quilting or something.

So, brace yourselves, and please be prepared for babbling, incoherency, and errors in spelling and grammar.

-This weekend, I think I sat through the absolute worst commencement address that I have ever had the misfortune of witnessing. It was so bad that it became funny. I was very thankful I was in the back row of faculty on the platform because I had to cover my face several times to muffle laughter. The progression from polite attention to boredom to incredulity to suppressed laughter on the faces of the audience was, however, quite entertaining.

-Carolyn McCully put into words part of what I have been thinking on for a while, with regard to physical beauty, but have been unable to coherently address, in a post last week. (yes, I think I do have too many commas in that sentence)

"What about complimenting her when she is doing beautiful things? We always hear that inner beauty is supposed to be more important than outer beauty, but it doesn't seem to get praised as often--which tempts women to doubt the veracity of that statement."Why do we women doubt the appeal of inner beauty? Well, to be candid, it's because we forget that our Creator is the ultimate arbiter of beauty. We are awash in makeover messages and as such His perspective is often silenced. From TV shows to magazines, we are drowning in Before and After images. At any given time during a day, there's a roomful of people on TV gushing and crying over the physical transformation of some reality show participant. Everybody and his neighbor shows up to applaud weight loss, a new hairstyle, or a wardrobe overhaul. But where is the applause for inner beauty? Where are the TV cameras for the Big Reveal of a renovated character"

In a culture where women are judged and valued on the basis of their attractiveness is it any wonder that inner beauty has taken a back seat? Has our culture simply received what we have asked for? Is there any cultural reinforcement of "inner beauty"?

-In a related line of thinking, lets talk about virginity.

Valued by some, but not by others? While God's call for sexual abstinence outside of marriage has not changed, the secular culture appears to have lost all regard for virginity outside of the young. Otherwise it is regarded as a quaint conviction or possibly born of immaturity or some sort of pathology. Even within the church, sexual abstinence is regarded by some as culturally irrelevant or improbable.

Valued in some, but not in others? While some young women have taken to auctioning their virginity to the highest bidder, I doubt that a 30+ year old virginal woman or a man of any age would get many bids. Clearly the value placed in "virginity" for auction is not about virginity per se. Even in less crass circumstances, I wonder how much of the value of virginity that does exist is about the value of obedience to God?

Over-valued by some? How many sins are there that change how you are defined as a person after one incidence? We are all sinners, are we not? We've all joined Jimmy Carter in lusting in our hearts, have we not? Do we rule out others as mates who have lied once in their life? When it is said that you should only marry a virgin, is that because they have been obedient to God, or for some other reason?

Okay, that is enough rambling for now. Don't say I didn't warn you.

The next victims

2009-05-13T16:31:00.003-04:00

We'll see how long they last...heh heh heh.

Blogging friends

2009-05-09T21:12:00.006-04:00

One of the things that this blog has brought to me, that I did not expect, is new friends. I have found myself rejoicing with others in good things and grieving with them in the bad. In small ways I feel like I know you when I visit your blogs and when you come here and comment too.

I have been blessed to get to know some of you better than that as well through email as well as through telephone calls. Today, I was especially excited to meet one of my readers in person :) She is the reserved sort, so she doesn't comment much. I shall refer to her as The Librarian (Hi!) We met halfway between her home and mine for lunch and a visit.

We spent around three and a half hours visiting and talking about her upcoming move and marriage (first marriage at age 47...there's hope yet!), agreeing that it is a fact that bald men are hot, discovering a mutual interest in science fiction, and puzzling at the "definitions" of the alpha, beta, and gamma "types" (The Librarian hypothesized that perhaps Bill Clinton is an Alpha, Rahm Emanuel a Beta, and Timothy Geithner a Gamma....I was lost.) She is sweet and lovely and funny as heck!

I also discovered another reason to not make the title of my posts "Boobs". This morning, The Librarian attempted to access the email I sent her that contained my cell phone number. But, she was restricted from doing so because the library had a filter that would not allow her to view the email because the subject line was "Boobs" because it was a long string of emails that started with The Librarian's thoughts on my "Boobs" post. Heh

Because I am a much better verbal than written communicator (or I should say normally...The Librarian witnessed the PhD dementia in person) I sometimes wish that we all could have a conversation with each other instead of communicating through written comments. So this was a really great experience for me, and I hope for my new friend The Librarian, too :) Now, if I can only get to Dallas! ;)

Have you ever met a blogging friend in person? How was it?

(Okay, I have had to edit this post at least 5 times already because Blogger is making me nuts! And because I keep remembering other things I want to say)

Sideling Hill

2009-05-09T20:43:00.005-04:00

I went to meet with a friend today, and on the way I passed Sideling Hill in Maryland. You can see some pretty cool strata in the rock where they cut through Sidling Hill for the highway. There is a pedestrian bridge over the highway that I wanted to go across to get some better pictures. But, the wind was blowing so hard it felt like the loose fitting top I was wearing would get blown away if I even raised my arms over my head. So.....these pictures will have to do.

The view the other way was pretty nice too.

Considering a Ph.D.?

2009-05-05T15:21:00.007-04:00

Are you considering working toward a Ph.D.?

DO NOT DO IT!!!

Okay, maybe that is over stating it a bit.... But not by much. If you are thinking about it, I suggest you consider the following.

I started my Ph.D. studies a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed student, eager to learn and be challenged intellectually. I was a combination of ignorance of the true workings of the Ph.D. machine and overly optimistic naivete about what I did know of the horror...

"I can do it!" "I can do anything for a few years!" "It can't be that bad! Right?"

WRONG

It can be that bad and worse. It's going to suck, it's going to suck bad, and it's going to suck bad for a really, really long time.

-Your family and friends may forget what you look like and vice versa.

-You will gradually loose the ability to form coherent sentences both in writing and in spoken word (exhibit 1, this blog).

-Ah, um, yeah....what was I saying? (exhibit 2)

-You will also loose the ability to understand normal people when they speak. Instead, you will ask innocent and unsuspecting people what evidence do they have to back up their opinion that China Garden has the best Chinese food in town.

-Over time you will feel stupider and dumber, not smarter. Ever meet a Ph.D. who made you think, "Dang, they are dumb, how did the get a doctorate?" They were probably smart when they started and the process sucked brain cells and IQ points out of their head through either their nose or ears.

-You will note an increase in emotional lability to the point that you may think strange things are funny and you may cry in inappropriate places and at inopportune times.

-You may harbor strange fantasies about printing the picture of one or more of your comprehensive examiners or dissertation committee members from the university web site, and attaching it to a pinata (perhaps shaped like a chicken with yellow and red feathers...with the picture of their face right on the face of the chicken) and then going to town with a baseball bat. (Yes, that is a rather well developed plan. To answer your next question, no, not yet. But, I have a feeling it will be soon.)

Why? Why is it so bad you ask?

-Being intelligent will only get you so far. You have to know how to play the game. Deference, paying of respect, and yes, good old fashioned butt kissing. But, really, to a certain degree you have to have pity on the objects of your kissing up. Obviously they have been permanently damaged by their Ph.D. experience. This damage leads them to say things like, "Well, when I was doing my doctorate..." until you want to launch yourself over their desk and firmly grasp their throat between your hands. (At this point family and close friends will become concerned that you seem to be having a lot of rather violent thoughts.)

-Hard work will only get you so far. You can work as hard and as fast as you can and you will still be at the whim of others. I have waited as long as 13 weeks to get feedback from a committee member. I have been told to change "this" to "that" only to be later asked by the same person, 'Why are you using "that"? You should be using "this"!'

-The higher the degree level, the less organized and sensible the whole process is. Nobody knows what is going on, even the chair of the program. The "rules" can be changed on a whim. The format of my comprehensive qualifying exams (taken after all courses are finished but before dissertation) completely and significantly changed 6 weeks before the exams were to begin...I still get a tight feeling in my chest when I think about it.

-In short you must possess a very high degree of ability to put up with bulls**t.

-You will have almost no balance in your life. Most programs require a residency which consists of taking a full time graduate load (9 credits, usually 3 courses) for two semesters in a row. This is to demonstrate your "commitment to the program" (oh, it will make you feel like you need "committed" all right.)

I still haven't changed your mind?

That probably means that you are invested enough in the doctorate that when someone asks you why you want to pursue one that you can come up with an answer better than "It would be cool to be called doctor". If that is all you want I'd be happy to call you doctor for only, say 10% of the cost of tuition, and none of the mental anguish.

Some other, perhaps more serious, things to think about (though I do really kinda mean everything I have said so far):

-If you can be a full time student, with either a very low stress part-time job, or a graduate assistantship it seems to be a bit less stressful than working full time while pursuing the doctorate (though there is additional financial stress).

-If you are married I would think about it carefully. The divorce rate when one partner is in a Ph.D. program is around 80%. It seems the couples who I know who navigated the Ph.D. waters most successfully were both committed to the idea.

-If you have children I would think about it very hard. It is a major time, financial, and personal energy commitment.

-If you are a woman and have/want to have children I would suggest not doing it until your kids are older (older teens) or until after it becomes unlikely you will have a baby.

-In my observation it seems to work better when both mom and dad are not working full time while one of them is in school. I have seen that work in various configurations (dad works and goes to school, mom is a SAHM, or dad goes to school and works part-time and mom works part-time and they juggle the schedule, or mom goes to school and works full time, dad works part time and is available for the kids. etc).

-Before you start, think seriously about if you are willing to commit to finishing. Most people who start a Ph.D. never earn their degree. Most quit (I have fantasized about that too). It is an awful lot of work and time and money to waste to not finish. Count the cost before you start and save yourself a whole lot of anguish.

I think once someone finishes a Ph.D. they seem to forget about how awful it was in the process.

Either that or they lie about it in order to suck other unsuspecting victims into the machine. I guess I'll see when I am finished if I would say that it was worth it or not.

And, yes, I know this was pretty rant-ish. I do feel better now.

Do you ever wonder?

2009-05-04T23:51:00.003-04:00

Do you ever wonder what Jesus thinks of His church here in the US? Todd Agnew's song, My Jesus, offers some food for thought.

Which Jesus do you follow?
Which Jesus do you serve?
If Ephesians says to imitate Christ
Then why do you look so much like the world?

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the arrogant
So which one do you want to be?

Blessed are the poor in spirit
Or do we pray to be blessed with the wealth of this land
Blessed are they that hunger and thirst for righteousness
Or do we ache for another taste of this world of shifting sand

Cause my Jesus bled and died for my sins
He spent His time with thieves and sluts and liars
He loved the poor and accosted the rich
So which one do you want to be?

Who is this that you follow
This picture of the American dream
If Jesus was here would you walk right by on the other side or fall down and worship at His holy feet

Pretty blue eyes and curly brown hair and a clear complexion
Is how you see Him as He dies for Your sins
But the Word says He was battered and scarred
Or did you miss that part
Sometimes I doubt we'd recognize Him

Cause my Jesus bled and died
He spent His time with thieves and the least of these
He loved the poor and accosted the comfortable
So which one do you want to be?

Cause my Jesus would never be accepted in my church
The blood and dirt on His feet might stain the carpet
But He reaches for the hurting and despises the proud
I think He'd prefer Beale St. to the stained glass crowd
And I know that He can hear me if I cry out loud

I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

Not a posterchild for American prosperity, but like my Jesus
You see I'm tired of living for success and popularity
I want to be like my Jesus but I'm not sure what that means to be like You Jesus
Cause You said to live like You, love like You but then You died for me
Can I be like You Jesus?
I want to be like you Jesus!
I want to be like my Jesus!

By request

2009-05-04T21:08:00.006-04:00

It was recently suggested to me that I post more pictures of flowers. That has been difficult due to the buckets full of rain falling.

But here are a few, including honeysucle....one of my favorite scents. These grow all along the roads here so that you can smell them as you are driving.

Dogwood

Lilacs

Tulip

Lilly of the Valley

Man! I feel Like a Woman! Or not.....

2009-04-28T19:26:00.005-04:00

The conference I attended last week was for work. My profession is historically and currently predominantly (~90%) female. Usually the conference attendees are more than 10% male because academics tend to be drawn to these sorts of events and the percentage of men is higher (~20%) in academia than in the profession as a whole.

Today at our faculty meeting when we were discussing the conference, a male professor commented on the selection of music played by the band at the opening festivities. One of the three songs the band played was Shania Twain's "Man!I Feel Like a Woman".

The male professor said that he thought it was a poor choice of songs given that we were not all women. He commented "You can bet the reaction would have been different if it was a song about being a man."

I commented that I noticed that and looked around to see how the guys in the audience reacted. Many appeared uncomfortable. I commented to my female co-workers at the time that coupled with the choice of the butterfly festooned lanyard upon which our event tickets hung, that the choice of music was not very man-friendly.

One of my female colleagues (she self-identifies as a feminist) said "I just thought of it as a popular song".

One of my other male colleagues replied "You're not thinking of it from a man's point of view".

The female colleague then rolled her eyes.

I said, "There's a shocker, (our professional organization) didn't consider the perspective of men."

My female colleague then said to the two male faculty who commented "If you don't like it, get involved in leadership. Oh, that's right....men can't manage to get elected."

I said, "You don't have to be a man to consider a man's perspective. Somebody just didn't even consider it."

Since my clinical profession is largely female there is always some sort of feminist ideology to wade through, particularly in some more active elements of leadership. Two years ago I attended a session where we were reviewing the proposed changes to official documents of the profession which outline the terminology we use to describe what we do. One of the proposed changes was to remove the word "roles" from our terminology. This stirred much discussion and confusion in the session because those of us in attendance could not understand why the word "roles" was problematic. The session moderator explained that "If we would examine the feminist literature we would see ther the word "roles" is opressive to women". Lest you think the entire profession is so silly, there was a great deal of eye-rolling and "you have got to be kidding me" from the attendees of the session, both male and female. There was also much debate with the majority of those in attendance finding the idea that the word "roles" was opressive to women to be ridiculous. Thankfully when the final version of the document came out the word "roles" remained.

On the road

2009-04-27T22:40:00.004-04:00

(Now with pictures!)

I have been away for the past week to attend a work related conference. Here are my impressions:

1. I live in a beautiful state.

2. I drove through/visited five states that I have never been to before.

3. Chatanooga Tennesee looks like nice place.

4. Alabama looked pretty nice too.

5. Mississippi? Hmm...flat and kinda boring. (sorry any Mississippi visitors)

6. Louisiana? Um...flat, swampy, and huge juicy bugs plastered on the front of the vehicle. Saw a snake. Looked for an alligator but didn't see one :(

7. New Orleans? Yikes, the damage. The humidity. The above ground graveyards (what would you call that? Crypts?) were pretty freaky too.

8. Texas. Good food (but eastern NC barbeque is better than Texas barbeque). Saw an armadillo. I didn't realize there would be palm trees in Texas. Flat. Boring terrain. Hot. Humid.(sorry Texans....especially Ame!)

9. I was very happy to get home to my mountains.

Oh, and the conference was great too :)

Why??????

2009-04-20T20:33:00.002-04:00

Sometimes Blogger drives me crazy. Can someone tell me why the post I published yesterday had a date four days ago on it until I went in and edited it?

How many women are feminists?

2009-04-19T22:13:00.000-04:00

Last week over at Recon's Black Ops on a post about divorce in the comments Catwoman said:

"Of all the feminists I know (not many — there aren’t many left!), none would think that Paul was harder on the women."

Yet, others have said that feminists are ubiquitous. So, which is it?

Perhaps the difference in beliefs has to do with how one defines feminism.

It seems that many feminists look to create a sort of "big tent" of feminism by telling both men and women that they are feminists if they believe in the equality of women.

The number of women (and men for that matter) who identify themselves as feminists goes from 24% to 65% (and from 24% to 58% for men) when the definition "A FEMINIST IS SOMEONE WHO BELIEVES IN SOCIAL, POLITICAL, AND ECONOMIC EQUALITY OF THE SEXES" is given.

That sounds reasonable, doesn't it? After all, in Galatians 3:28, Paul said that men and women both have equal standing before God as His children. So, why don't all Christians identify as feminists? Why don't all reasonable people identify as feminists? Why don't more people identify as a feminist when a definition is not given?

I suppose the reason why most people do not identify as feminist (only 14% of men and 24% of women) is because the term "feminist" means more than the dictionary definition of "equality of the sexes" to most people.

So, is Catwoman right? Are there not many feminists around anymore?

Perhaps it is that even though many women today do not consider themselves feminists, they still are influenced by feminist ideology.

The same survey gives some insight into how many women hold feminist ideology to be true.

-69% of women believe the women's movement has made their life better, including 75% of women 18-35, 80% of women 36-44, 70% of women 45-64, and 47% of women 65 and older.

-48% of women think there is still a need for a strong woman's movement.

-According to to an online poll done by Working Woman magazine and the National Committee on Pay Equity, 83% of the respondents believe that the so called "wage gap" is a big problem in the work place.

According to another survey:

63% of those surveyed (Males [N=461], Females [N=542], Democrats [N=361], Republicans [N=301], Independents [N=341]) think women are treated unfairly in the workplace and in politics. 34% think women are treated unfairly in the home.

So, it would appear that even though most women would not automatically call themselves a feminist, that many women still hold feminist ideology.

I got you covered

2009-04-14T16:10:00.003-04:00

Looking for "nerd estrogen"? You've come to the right place!

A day for pessimists

2009-04-12T11:14:00.003-04:00

Good Friday that is. It looked like all was lost. Jesus was dead and his followers were stunned and frightened. Even though Jesus told them He would die and then be raised from the dead, and even though the prophets foretold of the suffering of the Messiah.

Isaiah 53
1 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?

2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.

3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.

5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.

6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.

8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.

But Jesus' followers still doubted that things would work out. Just like we all do sometimes.

But, today is Resurrection Day, a day when Christians celebrate that our Savior, Jesus Christ, who suffered and died for our sins, was raised from the dead.

Romans 5:6-11

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

While we were still sinners, people. If that ain't a cause for hope I don't know what is!

Romans 8:28-39

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

I think we can add job loss, health problems, recession, socialism, feminism, divorce, unwanted singleness and whatever else we are facing to the list too. So, hang on dear readers... Jesus won.

A very blessed Resurrection Day to all! (I'm going to go hunt some eggs with my niece)

More silliness

2009-04-09T22:09:00.002-04:00

This was sent to me by reader Kathy. Enjoy!

Peeps!

2009-04-09T14:46:00.004-04:00

Just some pre-Easter silliness

A tool of the patriarchy

2009-04-06T23:13:00.004-04:00

Shaving, that is. I thought this was quite funny, and I needed a laugh today. Over at Feministing there is discussion about this advertisement for a women's razor.

It seems the feminists are having quite the discussion about whether women should shave or not.

-If you shave you are just giving in to the patriarchy.
-You can shave if you want to, but you really should think about why you shave.
-If you think you shave for your own comfort or preference you are lying to yourself.

Maybe the fact that I think this is so funny is a reflection of my current mental state. I dunno. But, I am this close to getting approved by the institutional review board so that I can begin recruiting participants for my dissertation. After almost two years I am going to finally actually be allowed to do the study. No wonder I find things like this amusing.

Was feminism all bad?

2009-04-03T21:16:00.014-04:00

One of my vices is to buy books faster than I can possibly read them. I also have the habit of reading multiple books at the same time (well, not at exactly the same time, but you know what I mean....). Right now I am reading The Feminist Mistake by Mary Kassian, Safe People by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, The Church Impotent: The Feminization of Christianity by Leon Podles, In Defense of Food: An Eater's Manifesto by Michael Pollan, I'm Fine With God...It's Christians I can't Stand by Bruce Bickel ands Stan Jantz, and The Appeal by John Grisham.

I also have piles of books just waiting to be read. Right now, one of those books is Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World by Carolyn McCulley. Ms. McCulley is a self-described former feminist who earned a certificate in women's studies in college and later rejected much feminist ideology after converting to Christianity when she was 30. Even though it seems to me that feminism still influences some things Ms. McCulley writes on her blog, I have appreciated many things she has written about there, so I have been interested to hear what she has to say about feminism in this new book.

Carolyn McCulley currently has a guest post on Candace Watters' blog titled Early Views on Marriage about the negative views of marriage espoused by early feminists, which is based on her book, Radical Womanhood: Feminine Faith in a Feminist World. In this post she makes the statement:

The first feminists pushed for legal changes that we all benefit from today. I am glad women can vote, own property, and earn an equal wage for equal work—just to name a few benefits!

I have also had friends who oppose much feminist ideology say similar things, such as they are glad feminism has given them the right to work and earn a living. As a single woman, I am glad I have the right to earn a living and support myself too. I just doubt that I would not have this right without feminism. Women worked outside the home before feminism came along.

Regarding suffrage, feminists seem to forget that historically many men did not have the right to vote either. I'm also not convinced that giving women the vote has been beneficial to the United States at all. Given the tendency of women to vote for greater government influence it is far more likely that my political point of view would be better represented if women, including me, were not allowed to vote.

When I read quotes like Carolyn McCulley's it seems to me that she believes that women would have no property rights without feminism. But, single women have had property rights throughout most of history. Additionally, as early as the 17th century in the United States, there have been laws which supported married women's rights to property by requiring married women to give their consent to any transaction involving what was their property prior to marriage before the transaction could be approved. I have also been unable to find any information that states that historically women were paid less than men for the same work.

So, I am not convinced that any of the "good" that feminism has brought about would not have happened if not for feminism.

What about you? Do you think feminism has brought any "good"?

I wish I was a man

2009-03-27T19:59:00.003-04:00

Not me, I like being a woman. But, that was what a young woman said at women's Bible study last night. The woman's Bible study that I attend at my church started a new session last night. Since it was a large group of about 40 women who did not all know each other we started with an "icebreaker" activity where we each picked a question to answer about ourselves from a bag. The questions asked things like "Are you a morning or a night person?", "If you were ice cream, what flavor would you be and why?" and "What three words would you use to describe yourself?".

A college-aged woman a few seats to my right chose the question, "If you could be anyone else, who would you be and why?". She answered, "For one day, I wish I was a man. Just so I would not have to plan anything or worry about how I look. I could just sit back and chill." This was met with some laughter and a few raised eyebrows. I leaned toward the 30ish woman to my left, who I had met earlier in the evening and said "I bet a lot of men wish they could just sit back and chill too." She replied, "Yeah, my husband would agree."

The study is a video series/workbook type of study, with small group discussions, based on the book of Esther. The teacher said, as one of the few books of the Bible with a female protagonist, that a study of Esther was a great opportunity for women to examine our "issues". She did a survey that asked women about the most common issues they dealt with, and the top 3 were, yielding to/submitting to authority including their husbands, balancing competing demands, and estrogen. She also said that we would discuss and deal with these issues without devaluing or tearing down men.

There are about 40 of us in the study, ranging in age from late teens to 70's, married and single, with children and without, stay at home moms and working women. It dawned on me that this study is going to be an interesting opportunity to hear what many different women have to say on these subjects. Given the human propensity to assume that others think or feel in similar ways to the ways we think or feel, I am very curious to see if I will be surprised. Will my optimism take a beating? We'll see....

Boobs

2009-03-25T17:42:00.005-04:00

Alternate title: A tale of two cleavages

This week I had what we call practical, or simulation examinations in one of my courses. It's where I have a simulated patient (someone who pretends to have a certain diagnosis) that the students have to perform some clinical skill with. Included in the scoring of the exam are elements such as the performance of the actual clinical skill(s), how well the student explains what they are doing to their "patient", and if they adhere to a professional dress code, among others.

The dress code includes basic rules such as no torn, dirty, or excessively wrinkled clothing, no jeans, no shorts, and no skirts or dresses shorter than 2 inches above the knee as well as what we call the "4 B's". The 4 B's stand for bellies, backs, butts, and boobs, or the parts of the body that we require remain covered by clothing, including while the student is reaching both arms overhead, bending over, or leaning forward. If it seems odd to you that we have to actually tell students that exposing their bellies, backs, butts, and boobs is inappropriate, you are probably old like me :p

We try to deal with dress code issues as a part of this exam because our male faculty are not comfortable commenting on the dress of our female students (we don't have dress code violations with male students, well, except once a male student wore a t-shirt with a mostly nude woman on it from one of the ubiquitous strip clubs found in college towns). So, it falls to the female faculty to address. It's not exactly my favorite thing to do either, but I understand how the already sensitive subject could be even more difficult for a male to approach with a female student.

I had three incidences of dress code violation this time. One occurred when a student raised her arms overhead and exposed about 2 inches of "belly" between the bottom of her shirt and the top of her low rise pants, and the other two involved "boobs".

I got very different reactions from the students regarding the "boob" incidences. The first student, a young woman who is quite well endowed, didn't have a dress code violation during the exam, but I wanted to, um, congratulate her on her efforts toward that end, and encourage her to continue.

Learner: You did a great job with the dress code today. It was a good idea to wear that tank top with a higher neck line under your top.

Student 1: Yeah, I wanted to make sure I was covered.

Learner: Good. There are some times you don't do as well with the dress code though.

Student 1: I know, it's not easy for me (said with chagrin).

Learner: I understand that it isn't really fair in some ways because there are a lot of tops the other girls in your class could wear without it being an issue, that if you wore would not work. I mean, you have the boobs you have, you need to find some ways to deal with it. Trust me, you won't want to be showing that much cleavage in a clinical setting. Your tank top/camisole thingy worked well for you today, that seems to be a good option for you.

Student 1: Thank you, I'll have to get some more. I know what you mean, when I did my (clinical rotation) some patients made some comments.

Learner: Oh, that's not good.

Student 1: I know, I don't want that to be the focus. I know I need to do better and I will.

Learner: Good

The other student, who is more average sized, was wearing a top that was so low cut that even when she was standing up straight you could see way too much cleavage and when she bent forward you could clearly see her bra. She also has a tendency to dress like she is going out to a club instead of class, so I needed to address the dress code in general with her as well.

Learner: There's a problem with your top (I put my hand on my sweater to indicate the neckline)

Student 2: I thought this was a nice top.

Learner: It's too low cut. When you bent forward I could see your bra.

Student 2: I have a tank top on underneath.

Learner: Well, I couldn't see the tank top, I saw your bra.

Student 2: [eye roll]

Learner: A tank top underneath is a good idea, but the neckline needs to be higher than the neckline of the top to help.

Student 2: Yeah, okay [arms crossed]

Learner: It has also been noticed that you are pushing the limits of the dress code in class.

Student 2: [another eye roll]

Learner: Some of your shirts seem better suited to a club than a class room or clinic, like that off the shoulder top you had on last week.

Student 2: Okay [looking away from me]

Learner: It's important to project a competent professional image to your patients.

Student 2: I know.

I got the impression that she thinks I am over reacting and that it is just a matter of changing styles, not professionalism or appropriate modesty. I have a feeling she is going to complain about me. Oh well. It won't be the first time.

* I debated about whether or not to title this post "Boobs", but then I started to wonder... what would happen if I did? Would I get more hits? ( I need to get over this "everything is an experiment" way of thinking.) I feel a little cheap...

Accepting criticism

2009-03-22T15:24:00.003-04:00

The topic of criticism has been coming up frequently of late. Personally for me, the process of a dissertation is rife with criticism and it's outcome is dependent on what you do with the criticism you receive. It also seems that a lot of the discussions about issues involving men, women, and feminism are also influenced by the giving and receiving of criticism.

Today I came across a great article about both giving and receiving criticism (via Radical Womanhood), The Cross and Criticism, by Alfred J. Poirier.

If I know myself as crucified with Christ, I can now receive another's criticism with this attitude: "You have not discovered a fraction of my guilt. Christ has said more about my sin, my failings, my rebellion and my foolishness than any man can lay against me. I thank you for your corrections. They are a blessing and a kindness to me. For even when they are wrong or misplaced, they remind me of my true faults and sins for which my Lord and Savior paid dearly when He went to the cross for me. I want to hear where your criticisms are valid."

The correction and advice that we hear are sent by our heavenly Father. They are His corrections, rebukes, warnings, and scoldings. His reminders are meant to humble me, to weed out the root of pride and replace it with a heart and lifestyle of growing wisdom, understanding, goodness, and truth. For example, if you can take criticism—however just or unjust—you'll learn to give it with gracious intent and constructive results...

I do not fear man's criticism for I have already agreed with God's criticism. And I do not look ultimately for man's approval for I have gained by grace God's approval. In fact, His love for me helps me to hear correction and criticism as a kindness, oil on my head, from my Father who loves me and says, "My son, do not make light of the Lord's discipline, and do not lose heart when He rebukes you, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone He accepts as a son" (Heb. 12:5-6).

This was just what I needed to hear today. I hope you find it as beneficial as I did.

It's all about me

2009-03-19T22:30:00.007-04:00

The very same day that my niece was adopted, an anonymous guest blogger over at Shakesville, that oasis of rational thought in a sea of patriarchy (yeah, right), posted on the same subject as I recently did, adoption and abortion. As you might guess, this anonymous blogger (I'll call her AB for short) had a different take on the subject than I did, but perhaps not in exactly the way you might expect. You see, AB has had an abortion and has given a child up for adoption.

She does make a point worthy of consideration, at least from my point of view. She contends that after giving a child up for adoption that a woman may experience some depression or other emotional maladjustment and may be in need of help to get through the experience of loss and that help is not readily available (at least in a manner that she finds acceptable). It is understandable that there would be some feelings of loss associated with giving a child up for adoption. And if she is correct that help is not readily available I would concur that this is something that should be addressed.

However, AB goes on to make several points that completely miss the obvious heart of the issue.

I have given a baby up for adoption, and I have had an abortion, and while anecdotes are not evidence, I can assert that abortions may or may not cause depression - it certainly did not in me, apart from briefly mourning the path not taken - but adoption? That is an entirely different matter. I don't doubt that there are women who were fine after adoption, and there is emphatically nothing wrong with that or with them; but I want to point out that if we're going to have a seemingly neverending discussion about the sorrow and remorse caused by abortion, then it is about goddamn time that we hear from birth mothers too.

Believe me when I say that of the two choices, it was adoption that nearly destroyed me - and it never ends. The only comparison I have is the death of a loved one. The pain retreats, maybe fades, but it comes right back if I poke at it. Writing this has taken me nearly two weeks. Normally, I can write this amount in about thirty minutes, with bathroom breaks. I started to type, and stopped only to reread, then go wail into my pillow. There is no such thing as "over" with this.

So, AB was far more depressed after giving her child up for adoption than she was after killing her child. First of all, NEWS FLASH: IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU! You were more depressed, but YOUR CHILD WAS ALIVE. I find it ironic in a truly sick way that she says that the only comparison to her emotional pain that she can make is the death of a loved one. Hello! Earth to AB, when you killed your child through abortion there actually was a death And while there is "no such thing as over" with AB's sense of pain and loss after allowing her child to live, when she aborted her other child, life was "over" for that baby.

I freely admit that I don't know what adoptees go through, so I'm going to let others do the talking on that topic (I really hope you do; I only know my side, and I fret and worry and freak out about my child). Again, though, you never see pro-lifers worrying about anything besides forcing a birth. I never see pro-lifers doing anything constructive about adoptees of any age.

AB frets and worries about the child she gave up for adoption, but has no grief for the child she killed. What? And excuse we pro-lifers of the world who worry about something as nonconstructive as life.

But wait, she's not done yet.

And when MRAs aren't busily whining about losing their children in a custody battle, they're whining about how they should have some say in whether a woman is allowed to get an abortion, even when they don't want the child and want it put up for adoption. I can't even imagine the psychological ramifications of being forced into adoption, when it's indescribably hard after a decision made of one's free will.

The psychological ramifications of being forced to let your child live? How about the psychological ramifications of the father who is helpless in the face of you choosing to kill his child? How about the physiological ramifications for the child who is killed in an abortion?

As Male Samizdat said in the comments to my previous post on abortion and adoption: Typical feminist thinking. "It's all about me."

More signs...

2009-03-19T21:45:00.004-04:00

...of Spring.

Responsibility and choices

2009-03-17T21:39:00.006-04:00

Last year a student came and told me she was pregnant and had an appointment to have an abortion, but that she was reconsidering her decision. As I tried to talk her out of the abortion, I silently implored God that He would give me the words to say. I am very sad to say that it now appears that she did have the abortion.

One of the things she said during our conversation kept going through my mind today. When I suggested that she consider giving the baby up for adoption, she said, "oh, I would never do something so irresponsible." After I managed to pick my jaw up off of the floor I asked her what she meant. She said, "If I'm not going to raise the child myself I won't have it, that would be irresponsible." I told her I didn't think that was irresponsible at all, but rather that it was a gift to the child and the adoptive parents. She said, "Oh, I know. I just want to take care of my problems myself. " I was stunned into silence at this "logic". I mean, what the freak is that about?

This conversation was on my mind, because today, my sister and brother-in-law legally adopted my niece. It was a very, very happy day for my family. I am so thankful that my niece's birth mother didn't think of her as a problem to be taken care of, because she is a gift to my family to be certain.

Welcome to the family, Peanut!

Father and daughter bonding

2009-03-16T19:15:00.005-04:00

A conversation with my father on the occasion of my birthday.

Learner's Dad: One day you're deciding what color lipstick to wear and before you know it you're 40.

Learner: I'm 43 now Daddy (Yes, I call him Daddy. What of it?)

Learner's Dad: You're 43?

Learner: Yep

Learner's Dad: 43? When are you getting married?

Learner: I don't know. Gotta meet someone before I can marry them.

Learner's Dad: Your mother and I met a guy.

Learner: Oh? Where?

Learner's Dad: One of the home care nurses.

Learner: Oh yeah?

Learner's Dad: Really nice guy...and funny. A bit older than you. You'd like him.

Learner: You think so?

Learner's Dad: Yeah. But, he may be gay or married.

It took my Dad a minute to think that was as funny as I did.

Signs

2009-03-14T22:44:00.004-04:00

No, I don't mean the movie Signs, though I love that movie. I mean signs of Spring.

Here are some of the crocus from my parent's front garden. There were also pretty white, yellow, and paler lavender ones but my camera battery chose that moment to die on me so I was unable to take more pictures.

I successfully defended my dissertation proposal yesterday. A big thank you to those of you who were aware that was happening and were praying for me.

The gender gap revisited

2009-03-10T16:26:00.003-04:00

The student journalist at our student newspaper who addressed the myth of a gender based wage gap appears to have maintained his job though the experience so far. There have also been no published letters to the editor in response. However, there have been a flurry of feminist flavored opinion pieces in the last few weeks ("reproductive rights" are about women's health-yeah, right- and how fans should accept the new female mascot who has traditionally been a male figure with distinctly masculine characteristics).

Today, I had a conversation with one of my female colleagues related to the "wage gap".

Colleague (C): Did you fill out the faculty satisfaction survey?

Learner (L): Not yet. What kinds of questions are on it?

C: About the work environment. They asked if you think you get treated differently because you are a woman. If you get paid less, are respected less, that kind of thing.

L: How did you answer?

C: Well you know we get paid less. (as state employees, anyone can look at the state website and see what our salaries are)

L: Are you sure that is because we're women? There really isn't a valid comparison between us and the guys. We all have different levels of experience and education as well as different job titles.

C: Well A (most recently hired male) does make less than us.

L: I don't think it is a male/female thing.

C: B makes more than us, but what does he do?

L: B is the (administrative title), that's why he makes more. He can have it, I wouldn't want that job.

C: D makes more than us.

L: D finished his PhD and is a higher rank.

C: Okay...... I still think it is discrimination. We'll see what happens when you finish your doctorate.

L: D will still have more experience and a higher rank than me. Those sorts of things really can explain the difference for the most part.

C: ends conversation

So, after my colleague left I had to check out the survey for myself. The invitation email said "The purpose of the survey is to identify factors that contribute to a positive work environment for all faculty. Although the survey is being administered by the Council for Women's Concerns, survey results will be used to inform administration of ALL faculty needs."

After I read that, the language in the survey came as no surprise to me. There were gender neutral questions that read "do you get treated differently because of your gender?" (notice, it is not asking better or worse) and woman specific questions like "are women overly sensitive to workplace discrimination issues?" but no male specific questions. It was not hard to see a feminine bias in the survey. It doesn't seem that the information gained is actually going to serve the needs of all faculty.

Uncle

2009-03-05T22:21:00.003-05:00

Okay, I give up. I have been having an exchange over at MarkyMark's, trying to understand this apparent need for some men to paint all women with a broad brush. But, now that it has devolved to the point that instead of responding to me, people are talking about me, I think it is probably best for me to let it go. My question remains unanswered, which is frustrating for me. I would prefer to continue to try to gain understanding, but if the response is talking about me in the third person rather than addressing what I say, I don't see how understanding can happen. (I would really like to ask in what way I have been hypocritical...if anyone can let me know I would appreciate it)

Blue skies

2009-03-04T18:09:00.004-05:00

It has been pretty cold here lately, but the sky has also been a beautiful blue. Maybe Spring is not too far away.

I'm a nerd, what should I do?

2009-03-02T18:44:00.012-05:00

That was the question some Swedish person was searching for the answer to. My advice? Roll with it. Embrace your nerdiness.

(click on picture for larger image)

But, I don't have answers to all the searches that lead people here.

(click on picture for larger image...or not since it won't link and I don't know why. The search words read, "gay men have narrow waists and wider hips photos")

So, do gay men have narrow waists and wider hips?

Is it feminism or women?

2009-02-27T22:59:00.002-05:00

I think it is human nature to assume, by default, that other people are similar to you. That they feel how you feel, think how you think, would react how you react and that their experiences are similar to yours. I suppose that many times those assumptions would be correct. But, sometimes they are not.

I read the blogs of some men's rights activists. I have learned a lot from them. I have also encountered a lot of hyperbole. Lots of "all women are.." or "all Western women are..." or "99% of women are" or "95% of women are" (you get the picture) types of statements. I have made no secret of the fact that I am no fan of hyperbole, because it makes it harder for others to hear the truth in what you are saying because they get stuck in the hyperbole. After all, probably the only "all women are..." statement that would be factually true would be "all women are female". When people engage in hyperbole their point gets lost because others will point out the factual inaccuracy rather than engaging the substance of the point. Of course it is possible that my nerdiness is what makes me impatient with hyperbole (no blanket assumptions allowed in my nerd-land). But, I think it is more about the fact that there is no need for hyperbole to demonstrate that feminism sucks. Further, the use of hyperbole actually detracts from the case.

Recently Coffee Catholic wrote a blog post addressing the "American women are skanks" bit of hyperbole. I am not comfortable with all the accusations of "whining" that CC makes. And, while I have felt pressured for sex and have been ridiculed by men for not acquiescing, I have found the vast majority of men to be respectful about my boundaries, even if those boundaries ended their interest in me. So, I have not shared CC's experience of feeling hounded or having my mental health affected. But, I do agree that it is disingenuous for a man to complain that women are skanks if he has participated in the "skankification" of women. I agree with her on that point, just like I would agree with a man who said it was disingenuous for a woman to complain about men being "sexually obsessed" when she dresses and behaves provocatively.

Over at MarkyMark's , CC also commented on a post about a related subject which seems to have started quite the discussion. One commenter, a Ruddyturnstone, asserts that CC believes that because she was looking for a long-term commitment when she was young, there must have been lots of other women out there doing the same thing.

RTS goes on to say It's the same old, same old with the women posters here. A man claims that Western women, in general, do X. The women jump on and say, "But I'm not like that" (or, sometimes, they say "But all women aren't like that" or "The women in my little circle of family and friends aren't like that"). Even if it's true, who gives a shit? Who was talking about you, or your sister or niece or even "all" women? It's a GENERALIZATION.

I have certainly made similar comments in response to a comment that was not expressed as a generalization (such as my exchange here with MS). These sorts of statements may have no indicators (meaning that they use words or phrases like: "women in general" or "most women" or "many women" rather than "women") that they are a generalization. Sometimes they have indicators that they are not generalizations ("all women", "each women" etc.).

RTS continues, Most Western women are, in fact, "like that." And what you are doing is derailing the conversation and delegitimizing a valid and generally true critique, and the experiences and observations of the man who made it.....Jeff is to be considered a "whiner" because every single woman he has ever dealt with cheated on him.That's what I meant when I talked about delegitimizing the male perspective. Jeff's experience is set at nought, because it does not jibe with what CC claims is her experience....No, it doesn't go "both ways." Jeff's tale is pretty much the same as the one almost any Western man could tell you. CC's is an outlier, at best. Western women lie and cheat all the time, just as in Jeff's portrayal of them. Very few Western women were virgins looking for marriage throughout their 20's but couldn't find anything but players, as in CC's tale....there really just aren't that many nice girls out there. And there certainly aren't many looking to get married in their 20's.Of course, CC says that SHE was a virgin and all ready, willing and able to marry at age 20, but no men were around who wanted to. And that is where I see the problem. That may very well have been CC's experience, but it is no way typical. And, it in no way nullifies or contradicts what Jeff, or you or I are saying. CC, like some of the other women who post here, is using her experience as way of "trumping" the experiences of men. What we say, even here, even on a blog that is supposed to be about Men Going There Own Way, is subject to being overruled by the experiences of women. (Edited by me, Learner, at the ellipses for length)

This discussion is very curious to me. While I understand the idea that what CC said delegitimized Jeff's experience and agree that is not just or helpful, I confess that it seems to me that both CC and RTS are assuming that their experience and the experiences of people they know is the norm. Quite frankly, I have no idea what the norm is anymore, but I would guess that while feminism has wreaked havoc on western culture, that the norm is not quite as cut and dried as "it doesn't go "both ways." Jeff's tale is pretty much the same as the one almost any Western man could tell you. CC's is an outlier, at best. Western women lie and cheat all the time".

Not everyone has the same experience. CC having a different experience doesn't nullify or trump the experience of men who have experiences similar to Jeff's. But Jeff's experience doesn't nullify CC's experience or the experience of other "outliers" either. Both are valid experiences and are not mutually exclusive. One experience does not have to be false for the other to be true. The problem comes when we assume that everyone's experience is like ours, or like the experience of the people we know. It seems to me that what derails the conversation is the hyperbole.

The problem with both hyperbole about men and women is that both of these issues blame a group of diverse people (men or women in general) instead of the specific persons engaging in the objectionable behaviors and the ideology, feminism, that resulted in the behaviors. When men say all women or all American women are skanks, it makes women the "enemy", just like when women say most men are to blame if women are slutty it makes men the "enemy" (or like when women say that an abused woman shouldn't have to even be in a room with a man because it isn't "safe" it makes all men the "enemy") Both reactions fail to focus on the real problem, which is feminism.

Maybe I am too optimistic (since I am an "idealist"), but I believe that if the hyperbole could be kept to a minimum that there is more of a chance that the truth that feminism is a scourge that is destroying society and the church can be exposed.

A freak of nature

2009-02-26T19:29:00.005-05:00

Today I received an email invitation to participate in the research project study of a student at another university who wanted to compare the personality types of people in my profession with people in a related profession. Even though I usually find that sort of research question a bit of a waste of time (because, why does it matter?), I consented to participate because my students often solicit others for study participation so I usually try to return the favor. I was directed to click on a link to take a Jung Typology personality test. The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator was based on Jungian psychology, so the personality type results are similar. If you want to take the test (it doesn't take long) you can do so here.

It turns out I am an INFJ (introvert-intuitive-feeling-judging, or a "idealist counselor" according to the Keirsey Personality sorter), like Sidney Poitier and Jordan's Queen Noor (um.....okay). I was not surprised by this. If I had read the descriptions before taking the test I would have thought this type fit me best. What I didn't know was that INFJ is the most rare of the 16 personality types, describing only about 1.5% of people. So, apparently I am an oddity and a freak of nature. "Weird", if you will. (I'll spare you most other things about me that may be outside of the norm....you're welcome)

Since I have been teaching the last 6 years or so I have taken an inordinate amount of pleasure in doing things that may cause some of my students to perceive me as weird. I suggest they may get extra credit for answering in class with a foreign accent. I sing badly and perform even worse dance moves during lectures. I make sound effects when demonstrating hands-on techniques. I make fun of myself and tell stories about my past mistakes. I embrace my intrinsic goofiness. The more they make "oh my word, she is weird" faces at each other or roll their eyes at me, the more it entertains me. I guess I am comfortable with the weird. To me it is normal, average even.

After several discussions I have read on some blogs lately, I have been thinking a lot about perceptions and how they may be influenced by our experience. I'll come back to that in the next several days, but for now I'd love to hear about your thoughts on your experience with personality tests and your results if you care to share them.

The gender gap

2009-02-17T21:39:00.004-05:00

Today I was surprised that a columnist in my university's student newspaper addressed the topic of the so called "wage gap" between the genders. He did a fine job of covering the basics of the issue:

Differences in wages between men and women are due to lifestyle decisions such as preferred working hours, having children, and work conditions such as required travel and hazards.
Over the past 40 years wages for women, particularly black women, have gone up faster than other demographics.
If women really make less for the same work, why would an employer hire men at all?

I am expecting there will be at least one angry letter to the editor on the subject tomorrow...we'll see.

For more information about the wage gap see this post by Elusive Wapiti.

Prayer request

2009-02-16T22:51:00.002-05:00

My good friend Jonathan is in Japan on a missions trip until February 25th. Please join me in remembering him in prayer when you are talking to the Father. You can check out his blog for details.

New label tags

2009-02-15T22:31:00.004-05:00

I have added labels to all posts (why I didn't do this when I started this blog in October of 2007, I don't know) so you can now scour the vast ramblings contained in these pages. I know you're excited!

Chemistry

2009-02-06T20:46:00.005-05:00

What is chemistry? I am not referring to the science that gave me fits in both high school and college (and gave me my lowest score ever on a test...26%!). I am referring to that "something", that connection that we feel for certain members of the opposite sex.

A few weeks ago I went on my first "real" date since the incident. How did it go you ask? Um....not so well. I am normally a little nervous on first dates, but I was so nervous that I had to slide my hands under my thighs to keep them from shaking. Not surprisingly, my trembling like a school girl did little to endear me to the poor man. He let me know that he didn't think there was sufficient chemistry for him to further pursue me. Naturally I was disappointed because he looked so good "on paper" (meaning we have compatible spiritual beliefs, he is intelligent, has a good sense of humor). But honestly, I think all of the trembling was a physiological reaction indicating that I'm just not quite ready to date again just yet. So, it's just as well that there was no "chemistry".

All that had me thinking about the idea of "chemistry". For me, chemistry is something that is rarely, if ever, instantaneous. Actually it is rarely something that I would feel strongly after one date. I seem to need to interact with someone more than that usually. The two examples I can think of where I felt that "zing" or "chemistry" within the first date didn't lead to good things for me because I seemed to allow my "feelings" to diminish reservations and "warning signs". I seem to do better when the "chemistry" is a bit slower in the development. So, generally, I will agree to more dates to give things a chance to develop. But, people are different. Some people want to feel "chemistry" right away.

It brings many questions to mind:

Is chemistry just about attraction?
Do you feel chemistry instantly, or does it take time to grow?
Is chemistry necessary for a good/ successful marriage?
Can chemistry last?
Would we be better off paying less attention to chemistry when looking for a potential spouse?

I want to hear what y'all think.

Ahem.......

2009-02-03T19:39:00.004-05:00

STEELERS WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!!!

More Fluff

2009-01-23T22:14:00.005-05:00

A Wordle of this blog.

I'm a little late.....

2009-01-19T19:00:00.004-05:00

But,

WOO HOO!!!! THE STEELERS ARE IN THE SUPERBOWL!

Steelers Win!!!!!

2009-01-11T21:21:00.004-05:00

WooHoo, the Steelers beat San Diego 35 to 24 in the AFC divisional round!

The Battle of the Sexes is Over...and the Chicks Have Won

2009-01-10T17:51:00.008-05:00

Or at least that's what this calendar says:

I found this calendar on the clearance rack at my Barnes and Noble today. What words could I use to describe it? Disgusting? Ridiculous? Insulting? I am at a loss, so I'll resort to sarcasm.

See, women's hearts are in the right place and men, well, we know the only thing they think about ;)

Men are losers, it's just that simple.

Boys are just like animals (it is soooo distressing to us girls!)

Boys, better seen than heard.

Dudes = ZERO, get it?

Sigh... so sorry boys, even in my most generous and helpful nature and superior wisdom I can't help you fix your stupidity.

Maybe boys aren't better seen than heard....I crack myself up!

Boys should be under a chick's control! (and buy me jewelry!)

You're so pathetic even begging won't help!

Short = less, don't you know?

Boys, so helpless with the all important fashion.

Make yourself useful and spend money on me!

I looked, and there was no "DUDES RULE" version, not that I thought there actually would be. That would be misogynist don'cha know!

New Year's Find

2009-01-08T16:51:00.013-05:00

Every few years I like to read the Bible through in a year because there are just some books (mostly minor prophets like Nahum) I never read otherwise. I thought it was about time to do that again, so I have been searching for my One Year Bible since New Year's. Yesterday when I was searching for it I found this little prayer book that I haven't seen since I lived in Tennessee.

Someone recently asked me about how I came to belief in Christ, I was reminded of this little book and how it fits into that story. So, when I came across it yesterday, I looked at it again instead of putting it aside.

I received it when I was a very small child. I remember looking at this little book while sitting in Mass with my parents, with my mom wearing her lace head covering, and me sitting on the kneeler and facing the pew as though it was a table or desk. There are crayon markings on some of the pages.

You can also tell how old the book is because the priest is still facing the altar with his back to the church during Mass.

The book contains elements of the Mass ....

...and prayers ....

....and "my little rules" :)

I remember being a child and reading this book over and over with a desire to be close to God. I remember being very aware of all of my sins and being fearful that no matter what I did that I would never be good enough on my own to be close to God and "earn" heaven. I remember feeling Pascal's "God shaped hole" and having no idea how to fill it other than being a good Catholic girl and reading my little prayer book.

When I was 20 years old God showed me that I was right, no matter what I did I would never be good enough on my own to be close to God and "earn" heaven. He also showed that God has made a way for us to have fellowship with Him through the forgiveness of our sins by the blood of Christ. After 22 years it continues to amaze me. I thank God for His mercy in showing me this truth.

And, yes, I found my One Year Bible shortly after I found the prayer book. Now, I just have to get caught up!

Eww, how did this happen?

2009-01-05T20:03:00.004-05:00

(click on image to make it large enough to read)

Wow

2009-01-03T22:23:00.006-05:00

Wow, a laptop with actual visible letters on the keys! And a power cord that doesn't need to be held very gingerly and at a specific yet ever changing angle in order to work! WooHoo! (and a thank you to my parents for their contribution toward this for Christmas).

While I'm posting photos, here's one of my niece opening a gift from my brother and his girlfriend.

And here's one of my "other niece" (my brother's great dane) playing with my gift to her. She is getting even bigger. She jumped up on me and with her paws on my shoulders her head is above mine.

Happy New Year!

2009-01-01T21:03:00.003-05:00

Was 2008 a good year for you? I hope that you can look back on 2008 and see many good things. I am blessed to be able to say that I can. In some ways it was a difficult year, but I can look back on those difficulties and see that God used them to help me grow. I am, however, ready to leave 2008 behind me and to move forward in 2009, which I anticipate to be a good year.

In 2009 my sister and brother-in-law will formally and legally adopt my niece.
In 2009 I will finish my dissertation (I pray!) and graduate with a PhD. I am considering changing my Blogger ID to "Dr. Yes girl" at that time ;)
I hope that very early in 2009 I will recover from this cold/flu/sinus infection/virus thing that has been kicking my hiney for almost three weeks. I have been coughing so much that my ribs (actually probably my intercostal muscles) hurt like crazy when I breathe/cough.

Happy New Year Everyone!

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-23T23:29:00.003-05:00

I am off to be with family for a few days so I wanted to take an opportunity to wish you all a very blessed and Merry Christmas.

Peace

Feminism in Academia: Part II

2008-12-21T21:49:00.004-05:00

I have had a few examples of the effect of feminism in two assignments I received from students at the end of the semester. One of my students, a 40ish divorced single mom recently turned in a case study assignment. I had given her the basic case of a fifty-something year old male executive recovering from a heart attack and she embellished the case. I am fine with students embellishing the cases because it makes the assignments more interesting for me to read, however this student added some feminist flavored elements to the case. The man was cheating on his wife with a mistress which caused him stress and led to his heart attack. The man didn’t listen to his wife when she told him to eat better and exercise which led to his heart attack. Once the man ended his affair and started listening to his wife all was well in his world. This is from a student who also “accidentally” included one of the male faculty in my department on a email containing “stupid man tricks”. That male faculty member mentioned the email in a faculty meeting and my chair shrugged it off. Compare this behavior with my chair's reaction when I said something that offended a female student.

Another non-traditional (late 20s and married) female student did a journal article review on a study that examined the time use of women in relation to their health. Her assignment included the following paragraph (in italics):

The article stated that a woman’s typical occupational roles usually include work, child care, and home management. A man’s typically includes work and leisure pursuits. This hardly seems appropriate to me. It may not be received well by all, but I think it would be beneficial to initiate a type of “couples training.” The husband or significant other should be informed of the occupational tasks of his spouse/significant other. Then he should be educated on how this is affecting her health and well-being. The woman should also be educated on stress and time management techniques. I think many women (myself included) should be reminded that it’s Ok and usually necessary to ask for help. I think it would be beneficial for the couple to discuss alternatives so as to alleviate the stress on the woman. Tasks should be shared between both in a partnership. In addition, the women in this study must find a way to incorporate leisure pursuits into their life.

The article did indeed say that a woman’s typical occupational roles usually include work, child care, and home management and a man’s typically include work and leisure pursuits. :

“Women’s time use is different than men’s. Women, especially mothers, spend more time in household work, child care, and helping other family members, whereas men spend more time in paid work and in leisure occupations (Bird & Fremont, 1991; Statistics Sweden, 2003). This gender difference is reflected in the patterns of daily occupations. Because a higher proportion of woman’s occupations attend to others’ needs, they are more frequently interrupted from what they are doing (Hirdman, 1999). The impact of these ingredients of woman’s daily occupations on their well-being was shown in a study of working, cohabitant mothers (Erlandsson & Eklund, 2003a). A lack of control and frequent experiences of hassles in daily occupations were found to be risk factors for experiencing lower quality of life and lower self-rated health.”
(Erlandsson & Eklund, 2006, p.28)

It makes it sound like men just go to work and then pursue leisure interests and women work themselves into lower quality of life and self-rated health what with all the house work etc. they do, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, my student was taken in by a case of the authors twisting references to back up their position, and then she rolled with it. Let’s take a look at the references:

The Bird and Fremont reference was a time use study that examined how men and women in the United States spent their time in 1981. According to this study, out of a seven day week, women spend 18.41 hours in paid work, 16.91 hours in housework, and 4.33 hours in childcare for a total of 39.65 hours of work. Men spend 35.47 hours in paid work, 4.36 hours in housework, and 1.74 hours in childcare for a total of 41.57 hours of work. So, men actually spent more time working, 1.92 hours more per week. One would also assume that the work of many men also serves others and may include frequent interruptions of tasks as well.

Okay, maybe men have a lot more time spent in leisure. According to Bird and Fremont, women spend 27.09 hours in leisure and men spend 28.25 hours in leisure per week for a difference of 1.14 hours. So, men get 1.14 hours more leisure a week. Um, okay, so men spend more time working and doing leisure activities than women. What are the women doing during that time? According to Bird and Fremont, they are spending more time than men in two activities on average: sleeping and self care (grooming etc).

What about the Statistics Sweden reference? Well I couldn’t retrieve that exact reference but I found the same data in another source that also included time use by gender for other European countries too. Time use statistics from the Swedish government regarding Swedish women and men aged 20 to 74, revealed the following patterns expressed in hours and minutes per 24 hour day.

Free Time: men- 5:24/ women- 5:03
Meals, personal care: men- 2:11/ women- 2:28
Sleep: men- 8:01/ women- 8:11
Travel: men- 1:30/ women- 1:23
Domestic Work: men- 2:29/ women- 3:42
Gainful Work: men- 4:25/ women- 3:12

Again, men spend 8:25 in work tasks (travel, domestic work, gainful work) and women spend 8:07. Men spend 15:36 in self care/leisure tasks (free time, eating meals, personal care, sleep) and women 15:42.

Neither reference makes the case that women are spending more time working than men, or than men have significantly more leisure time than women because of all the work women do around the house. In fact these references make the case that the work load seems to be pretty evenly distributed between men and women in a home. Of course that doesn’t fit the feminist mantra that “a woman’s work is never done”. It is pretty easy to imagine that women reading that peer reviewed journal article would get the same misconception my student did, that women have lower perceived health because men don’t help with domestic tasks. And don’t even get me started on the idea that a correlation or association between two factors (say time use and perceived health) means that one factor causes or even has direct influence on the other factor…

Feminism in Academia: Part I

2008-12-21T16:46:00.004-05:00

I was recently solicited to participate in a survey about graduate teaching in the health sciences for someone’s dissertation. I always try to participate in studies when invited because I know what it is like to try and recruit subjects when everyone says no. So, I agreed to participate in the survey which contained numerous questions about attitudes and actions that a graduate faculty may engage in. The questions asked that I categorize the behaviors' appropriateness and requirement for disciplinary intervention into the following categories:

1 = Appropriate behavior, should be encouraged
2 = Discretionary behavior, neither particularly appropriate nor inappropriate
3 = Mildly inappropriate behavior, generally to be ignored
4 = Inappropriate behavior, to be handled informally by colleagues or administrators suggesting change or improvement
5 = Very inappropriate behavior, requiring formal administrative intervention

One of the survey items was:

The instructor does not include pertinent scholarly contributions of women and minorities in the content of the course.

Okay, well first, faculty leave pertinent scholarly contributions out all the time because there is usually not enough time to include all pertinent scholarly contributions. Secondly, why is it only women and minorities included in the question? Why is the researcher not interested in if the instructor does not include pertinent scholarly contributions of men and non-minorities in the content of the course?

Christmas Spirit

2008-12-21T14:38:00.004-05:00

Ah, Christmas spirit is in the air. In the past I was always one of those people who finished Christmas gift shopping by Thanksgiving, because I hate the crowds. This does not work well since I have been teaching, because it gets really busy at that time of year. Since I began teaching I usually wait until the semester is over to do most of my shopping. So, yesterday evening I did some shopping.

I was at a store that has tables with merchandise on them to tempt you to buy more stuff all along the line to the check out . There I was waiting in line, looking at the merchandise on one of the the tables with about 1-2 feet between me and the man in front of me. The first person in the front of the line got called forward to the next available cashier, and the people behind him stepped forward, including the man in front of me. I noticed the movement, but before I could step forward a woman and a teenage girl stepped in front of me in line. Christmas spirit, nothing like it.

Reminds me of similar experiences in Christmases past. One time I was at a movie theater waiting in line in the ladies room when the line moved and woman in front of me stepped forward. After about 1 second passed the girl behind me shoved me forward. I guess I didn't move fast enough for her.

I have also had issues while browsing merchandise in stores. A few years ago I was in the Bath and Body Works store at a mall looking at the gift sets. There were many options to choose from, and as is the case for me with restaurant menus, when there are too many choices and I don't have a certain thing in mind, I can be slow to decide. The gift set display is about 8 feet wide and I stood in front of it for about 5 minutes trying to make my choices. Well, an older lady walks up and stands next to me. She was a very dignified looking older lady, petite, and wearing a blazer and pearls. After another minute or so I guess she grew weary of my indecision and took a sidestep toward me and put her shoulder into my side and shoved me over with enough force to move me over and nearly knock me off balance. I kid you not.

Another time I was looking through the leather jackets on a circular rack when a woman who had to be at least 6 feet tall came up next to me and spun the rack with enough force to pull the jacket I was holding and looking at out of my hands. She then grabbed the jacket I was holding. I looked at her with my mouth hanging open in surprise and she just raised her eyebrows at me as if to say "you got a problem with me?".

I must look like a "pushover" lol.

Does attractiveness influence justice under the law?

2008-12-14T21:37:00.004-05:00

In a previous post about the elder abuse committed by several young women Ame left this comment:

Learner- do you know if there are any stats on how attractiveness affects one's ability to receive favorable treatment rather than to receive what is due??

I recall reading about studies that reported attractive women tend to be rated higher on work performance evaluations (attractiveness did not matter for men as much in this area), make more money (more so for women than men), and hold more influence over both men and women (but interestingly, less attractive men hold more influence over other men), but I didn't recall reading anything about the effect of attractiveness on treatment under the law. So, I looked to see what I could find.

According to a study from a Dr. Sandie Taylor at Bath Spa University, "attractive suspects" were more likely to be acquitted than "unattractive suspects".

"The researchers at Bath Spa University came to their conclusions after asking 96 volunteers to read a transcript of a fictitious mugging case. Half of the participants were given a picture of an attractive suspect, the others one of a supposedly ugly defendant. The script was the same in either case. The volunteer 'jurors' were then asked to decide whether the suspect was innocent or guilty. In the latter case they also had to decide on a sentence. Analysis of the results revealed that attractive suspects were more likely to be acquitted, despite there being no extra evidence in their favour. "

This article also referred to some previous research done by Dr Taylor that found the gender of the juror can also influence their perceptions of the defendant.

"Women jurors treat female suspects more harshly, especially when they think they might have used their looks to their advantage. Men, on the other hand, tend to give attractive women the benefit of the doubt. The phenomenon, known as the 'halo effect', is thought to extend far beyond the courtroom, with looks affecting an individual's exam marks, job prospects and even ability to make friends."

I also found the following about attractiveness and the justice system via this document about the effect of physical attractiveness in the workplace:

"A physically attractive person charged with the same crime as a less attractive person is more likely to be found not guilty of that crime."

Efran, M.G. (1974). The effect of physical appearance on the judgment of guilt, interpersonal attraction, and severity of recommended punishment in simulated jury task. Journal of Research in Personality, 8, 45-54.

"In court cases in which the crime is sex-related, physically unattractive defendants are considered to be more dangerous than better-looking offenders. This effect is often independent of the actual grooming or attire of the defendant."

Esses, V.M., & Webster, C.D. (1988). Physical attractiveness, dangerousness, and the
Canadian criminal code. Journal of Applied Social Psychology, 18, 1017-1031.
Sigall, H. & Ostrove, N. (1975). Beautiful but dangerous; effects of offender
attractiveness and nature of crime on juridic judgment. Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology, 31, 410-414.

"Physically attractive individuals found guilty of a particular crime are more likely to receive more lenient sentences than less attractive defendants."

DeSantis, A., & Kayson, W.A. (1997). Defendants’ characteristics of attractiveness,
race, and sex and sentencing decisions. Psychological Reports, 81, 679-683.

So, it would appear that attractiveness does influence "justice".

More Snow...

2008-12-12T21:41:00.004-05:00

It seems that it is going to be a heavy winter for snow. This is what I woke up to this morning.

Forgiveness

2008-12-12T11:27:00.003-05:00

When someone wounds you, what needs to happen for you to forgive them? Forgiveness hasn't been a big struggle for me in the past, maybe because I am very aware of God's mercy toward me. Recently, I have come to realize that I seem to need to understand where a person is coming from and why they did what they did to let the offense go and forgive. Perhaps in some way that allows me to rationalize the offense and in that understanding to forgive. That sort of reasoning has worked pretty well for me.

But, what do you do when someone wounds you and you cannot understand why they would do what they did, because it is irrational? This is where I find myself. I don't think I recognized my struggle with recovering from this wound as unforgiveness. When I think about what happened I feel sad and hurt and confused, but I feel no anger. Actually, I have felt very little anger over what happened. So, I thought I had forgiven.

But, one of the pastors at my church tells me that to forgive someone you need to recognize the wound and not minimize it. You need to say, "Yes, he hurt me, he wounded me. What he did was wrong and he sinned against me. He owes me." Only then can you decide to give that offense to God and let the wound heal.

Sexual Harassment?

2008-12-09T20:47:00.004-05:00

Recently I had dinner with some friends I worked with more than five years ago. As often occurs when visiting with old friends, we spent some time reminiscing. In the course of the evening one of my co-workers reminded me of something that happened back then that I had forgotten about.

First, let me give you a little context. You see, sometimes I am kind of clumsy. If there is something to trip over, slip on, or fall from, I find it. In fact, a few weeks ago when I was in a rush to get to class I was quickly pulling my office door closed behind me when I dropped my USB drive. Naturally, I bent over to pick it up, and while I was bending, the door swung forward and met my bottom with enough force to knock me off balance (not hard to do). I managed to catch myself before I fell, and entertain my coworkers walking down the hall at the same time. I'm good like that.

Anyway, back when I worked with these old friends I had another "near miss". One day I was walking through the clinic I worked in with my head down reading a chart. One of my male co-workers came running around a corner and I didn't see him coming, so I collided with him and kind of bounced off of his chest. The chart went flying and somehow our legs got tangled up and I tripped over his feet and began to fall. So, he reached out and caught me in an odd position that kind of resembled a sort of sideways "dip" from a ballroom dance and then set me back on my feet. As he caught me, one of his hands happened to land partially on one of my breasts. As soon as I was upright again he apologized for grabbing me so hard there and said that he just was trying to keep me from falling. I told him I really appreciated him preventing my fall and that it was okay because I knew he didn't grab me there on purpose. He then wiggled his eyebrows at me and said humorously "are you sure it wasn't on purpose?". I said, "you've been planning that for weeks, haven't you?" and he, I, and our co-workers who gathered to watch "the spectacle", all laughed.

The next day I went into work and one of my female co-workers, who did not like the male co-worker who caught me, asked me if I was alright after my near fall. I told her I was fine, just little embarrassed, and I had a fantastic bruise on my breast/side where he caught me. She said "I saw him grab you, I think he did that on purpose. He shouldn't be running in here." I said "I was glad he caught me. It was my fault, I wasn't looking where I was going. You know him, he wouldn't do that on purpose. Plus, it happened so fast there is no way he could have purposefully caught me in such a way to grab me there anyway." She said "you should take pictures of the bruise for evidence." I asked "evidence of what?" and she replied "sexual harassment". I just walked away from her.

Recalling this caused me to wonder how often accusations of sexual harassment are made for the wrong reasons. I do not mean to say that it is acceptable for either men or women to truly harass others in a sexually inappropriate manner in the workplace. I think real sexual harassment can happen, but that false accusations serve to minimize the genuine incidences.

Christmas is Coming....

2008-12-08T00:01:00.005-05:00

Time to bake!

Saturday evening I was supposed to go to a Christmas decorating party at a friend's house, so I made some mini cheesecakes. They have Oreo cookie crusts and I mixed Oreo bits into some of the cheesecakes. Some also got topped with toffee and chocolate bits right out of the oven. I topped the rest with cherry or raspberry filling. Unfortunately the party was cancelled due to bad road conditions. So, I gave the cheesecakes to my Dad and Mom when I went to visit Sunday.

Out of the oven

Help, I'm falling!

Ready to serve

Sunday evening I made banana chocolate chunk and pumpkin mini-muffins for my co-workers for Christmas.

A sea of mini-muffins

Now, this makes me angry...

2008-12-03T22:00:00.005-05:00

Did anyone else see this news story about the teenage girls who abused elderly persons with Alzheimer's and dementia in a nursing home in Minnesota? I cannot even begin to express how furious this makes me.

Because they abused people who were defenseless and unable to voice their objections because of their mental deficits.
Because they say they did it for "fun".
Because they are being charged with a "gross misdemeanor" and will likely not serve any jail time for physically and sexually abusing the nursing home residents.

Also, I think this has particularly angered me because my Mom has been in a nursing home for the past two weeks for physical therapy so she can regain her strength enough to come home after having a bad infection. My mom does not have dementia or Alzheimer's though she does have some mild to moderate mental deficits from a massive brain hemorrhage a few years ago. If someone did to my mother what those girls did, I think I would be hard pressed to not resort to violence.

What is wrong with those girls? What they did is not just immoral, it is amoral and antisocial behavior. How does a person come to a place where they think it is okay to do what they did? A serious part of humanity is missing in these girls. It makes me sick.

Bad Boys

2008-12-01T20:53:00.004-05:00

Why is it that some women are attracted to "bad boys"? What exactly is a "bad boy" anyway? Do some men look like "bad boys" who are in fact are good men? Are some men who don't look like "bad boys" exactly that?

I don't know the answers to those questions but I recently saw a movie that really made me think about the concept of the "bad boy". When I was in North Carolina last weekend visiting friends one of my dearest girlfriends wanted to go see the movie Twilight. Because I felt bad for making her miss the premiere showing with other friends of hers (I was arriving in town at that time), I offered to go with her to see it later on in the weekend. All I really knew about the movie was: 1. it was based on a series of books extremely popular with women which my friend loved, and 2. there was a male vampire in it (though my friend assured me it wouldn't be a horror movie...I don't like those).

To put it bluntly, the movie was pretty bad. I've seen worse (The Invasion with Nicole Kidman comes to mind), but Twilight came close to the bottom of the list because it was just so ridiculous. What about the movie was so bad? Where do I start? First of all the production reminded me of a bad television movie on the Lifetime Network. The action sequences were extremely fake looking (maybe the extremely well done action sequences in movies like The Matrix and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon have raised my expectations). The story is set in High School (High School!)...and grown women are slobering over the lead male character. I don't get what all the fuss is over. He looked like he had lipstick and eyeliner on! Throughout the movie the women in the theater (there were maybe two men in there...poor souls) oohed and aahed, and laughed on cue and all the while I kept thinking I was missing something....because it wasn't anything worth oohing and aahing over, let alone laughing over.

The lead male character is a vampire by the name of Edward Cullen. Every time I heard that name it reminded me of the character Tom Cullen (M-O-O-N spells Tom Cullen) from Stephen King's The Stand. Edward Cullen is supposed to be "impossibly beautiful" with pale skin that glistens and sparkles like diamonds in the sunlight (I kid you not). In one particularly corny scene he carries the female lead, Bella, up to the top of a mountain where the sun is shining, so she can see what he "really looks like". He steps into the sun, throws his head back, closes his eyes, unbuttons his shirt and pulls it open to expose his chest in some kind of a cheesy underwear model pose. We see his skin glittering and sparkling in the sun, kinda like mine did when I accidently bought some lotion with glitter in it from the clearance rack. Seriously.

Even worse than all the corny-cheesiness was the basic premise underlying the relationship between the male lead, Edward Cullen (M-O-O-N spells vampire) and the female lead Bella. You see, Edward, the vampire, is extremely drawn to Bella...her smell is like "heroin" to him and he longs to suck her blood. But, Edward is a "good" vampire who only feeds on animal blood so he wants to resist this draw he feels for Bella. But, in the end, of course, he just can't stay away from her. You'd think Bella would be afraid of this guy who wants to suck her blood, but no, she trusts him. Even weirder than that, she wants him to suck her blood...she wants to be with him forever...isn't that romantic ? Um, what?!?

Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T22:22:00.005-05:00

I meant to post this yesterday, but I got home too late. I wanted to take a minute to be thankful to God.

-I am thankful for His grace and mercy, and for sending Jesus to save me.

-I am thankful that He is faithful and has always made a way for me.

-I am thankful for a loving family and friends.

-I am thankful for my home and all that He has provided for me.

Yesterday, I went to my brother's house for Thanksgiving dinner with my parents, my sister, brother-in-law, niece, an aunt, my brother's girlfriend, and my brother's 70lb great dane "puppy" (referred to as the "grand-doggy" by my father). We had a lovely time. The meal was wonderful (my little brother is a fabulous cook) and the fellowship was even better.

A self portrait by my niece

More photographic stylings by my niece....isn't she talented?

The "puppy"

North Carolina: Barbecue and Pottery

2008-11-26T22:21:00.005-05:00

I spent a relaxing and enjoyable long weekend in North Carolina visiting some friends. Saturday I attended a pottery festival in a cute little town in North Carolina where I purchased this beautiful hand made tea pot.

I also got to experience the two types of North Carolina pork barbecue. Saturday I had the eastern North Carolina style of pork barbecue which has a vinegary/ mustardy flavor and was good, but I wouldn't necessarily order it again. Monday I had the western North Carolina style of pork barbecue which has a sweet and smoky flavor. It was absolutely delicious on a sandwich topped with red slaw (a vinegar dressed coleslaw). I definitely preferred the western style.

On another note, I also got lost for about an hour in Greensboro. So, perhaps I should not blame New Jersey for bad signage and accept that I am becoming a directional moron!

Winter Wonderland

2008-11-18T15:04:00.004-05:00

We had the first snow of the season yesterday. It puts me in the mood for Christmas.

Happy Veterans' Day

2008-11-11T21:20:00.005-05:00

This is a picture of my father, taken at my infant baptism when I was one month old and he was 41 years old. He is looking down at me in the picture, and that is my mother's shoulder in the picture too.

He is a Navy veteran of World War II where he served in a submarine in the South Pacific. Thank you Daddy, and all veterans, for your service to our country.

I'm Sorry...

2008-11-10T19:44:00.004-05:00

I'm sorry. I know I have become one of those annoying people who thinks their niece (nephew/son/daughter/grandson etc. etc.) is the cutest and sweetest child ever. But, c'mon, look at her.

And here are some self portraits she took herself.

Folly and Fools

2008-11-07T20:06:00.006-05:00

"The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools." -Herbert Spencer

Because I teach in a program that trains our students to practice a health/medical discipline, part of that training is developing appropriate professional behavior. Patients and other medical professionals with whom our students will work don't want to deal with inappropriate behaviors like dressing in revealing clothing, eye rolling, clock watching, or inappropriate topics of conversation (like smoking pot) from our students. It is also important for our students to develop a calm, friendly, and competent manner that puts their patients at ease and engenders respect from other members of the health care team.

In order to help our students recognize behaviors that may be counterproductive we meet with them and discuss their professional behaviors. Each semester the faculty meets together and discusses the concerns we have about students' professional behaviors. Then each advisor meets with their individual student advisees and offers both positive and negative feedback from the faculty about their professional behavior. Most of the time the student listens to the feedback and responds appropriately.

Unfortunately some of our students come from backgrounds where they could do no wrong, where they received no criticism, where their tender feelings were always spared from the ugly truth that they are not perfect (gasp!). So, sometimes things do not go so smoothly. Last year I had the unfortunate experience of offering some constructive criticism to one of our students that resulted in my program chair threatening me with disciplinary action.

The student, I'll call her Betty, is a smart, pleasant, and stunningly beautiful young woman with long blond hair and blue eyes. The faculty felt that she also has the unfortunate habits of giggling a lot, flipping her hair, and asking questions that give the impression that she is not paying attention. In other words she can come off as an "airhead". This is not an image that her patients or coworkers will appreciate. When I met with Betty I began by offering her some positive comments about her professional behaviors. Then, I told Betty that some of the faculty had observed that she tended to giggle a lot and at inappropriate times, flip her hair, and that sometimes she did not appear to be paying attention in class. Betty did not seem to understand what I was saying so I tried again. I told her that it will be important for her patients to have confidence in her and that those behaviors would not help her patients to trust that she knows what she is doing. Betty still stared at me with a kind of confused expression on her face. So, I said, "Well, I don't like this word, but what I am trying to say is that these things may give the impression to other people that you are an airhead." At this Betty began to cry. She said she didn't want the faculty to think she was stupid. I told her that we do not think she is stupid, that we know she is a good student, but we want her to be aware that those behaviors are not going to work well for her as a clinician. Betty didn't say much else and left my office soon after.

The next morning she went to the program chair in tears and told him that I said that the faculty said that she was an airhead and that she did not appreciate being insulted like that. My chair believed her, and without discussing it with me first to get my side of what happened, he brought it up in front of the whole faculty at our regularly scheduled meeting later that day. He said that he was very upset that a student felt so insulted and that he would not tolerate the use of such hateful language. Without naming me he then threatened to turn the offending faculty member over to the social justice office for their offense. I am not the most assertive person in the world but I knew what really happened so I had to say something. I told him that I knew what he was talking about and that the student had not given him the whole story. I explained what happened, including that I did not call her an airhead but that I told her that even though I don't like the word that we were concerned that she may be perceived as an airhead because of the behaviors in question. I told him that if he wanted to turn that into the social justice office that I was fine with it because I was confident about what I had done. He immediately backed down from his threat and the entire faculty proceeded to engage in a circular argument with him that you will appreciate if I don't tell you about it. During this argument I remained quiet and struggled to maintain my composure because I was angry and when I am angry I tend to cry and I didn't want to do that (it's unprofessional you know).

The next day after I calmed down I knew that I had to talk to my chair about what happened. I asked that in the future if a student came to him with a complaint about me that I would appreciate it if he would give me the courtesy of asking me about it before he assumed that the student gave him the full story and that he ask me about it in private rather than anonymously reprimanding me in front of the whole faculty. I also told him that it concerned me that instead of encouraging the student to consider the feedback and apply it, that he did some figurative "hand-holding" that didn't help the student realize that her behavior could be a problem. He listened to me and apologized for not bringing the issue to me first. He tends to pride himself on being "student centered" though, and I don't think he agreed with me that "hand holding" is not what a student needs in these sorts of circumstances.

When we don't teach children that constructive criticism is okay, and in fact that it is for our benefit, we are setting them up for a lifetime of self-centered stagnation. When we walk on eggshells around children and are not lovingly honest about the areas that they need to work on we are not doing them a favor. I often tell my students that it is okay to be wrong, that all you can do is to do the best you can, and when you know better you do better. The only way to learn and "do better" is to recognize where you have gone wrong.

It's not "Betty's" fault that she looks like a walking Barbie doll and that coupled with a giggling and inattentive manner she will likely be incorrectly perceived as less than competent and intelligent. But the patients' perceptions matter and Betty can learn to behave in a manner that will give her patients confidence in her abilities. Not doing so is "her fault" and it would be my fault if I didn't give her the feedback she needs to make the adjustments, regardless of if she chooses to accept it or not.

How to know you are on the computer too much...

2008-11-06T22:28:00.006-05:00

You know that you are on the computer too much when you have worn the M, N, L, H, A R, T, and O off of the keys on your laptop.

Come for dessert too Ame!

2008-11-06T22:24:00.002-05:00

Since you're coming for soup, I made some cinnamon applesauce for dessert too ;)

Dear New Jersey

2008-11-04T23:20:00.010-05:00

Dear New Jersey,

Why is your road signage so bad? Do you enjoy getting non-New Jersey people lost? I think you do.

**********************************************************

After a long weekend away from home it was a good day today to make some soup....

....and talk to my niece on the phone. Isn't she sweet?

Wait a Minute....

2008-10-30T22:44:00.006-04:00

Yesterday I was reminded of my recent post about my dislike of policies that encourage gender parity based on something other than ability. Yesterday I was very honored to receive an email informing me that I had been nominated by a student to receive a distinguished teacher award. It was great to get some positive feedback so I was happy as I read the email. That is until I read this:

The nomination of women and minority faculty is strongly encouraged

Sigh....and that kind of ruined it for me :(

Well, What Do You Know?

2008-10-30T22:07:00.007-04:00

When I started my new blog about quilting at the suggestion of a friend to help me deal with my monumental dissertation writer's block, I don't think I actually believed that it would help. However, it has helped! I think what really helped was doing the sewing, but I think that writing about it has caused me to sew more. So, in honor of the effectiveness of quilting as a PhD facilitator-

A Quilting Haiku:

Fabric and thread in my hands
Color and pattern
Creating clear thoughts and words

I am a Nerd

2008-10-26T18:24:00.002-04:00

I am a nerd.

I enjoy setting up a statistical data base. I even find it relaxing.

My friend Jonathan says I am a nerd/geek because he has never seen someone use formal citation in a blog post before.

Wonder Woman says I am a nerd too.

In fact I am such a nerd that I am looking forward to spending next Saturday through Monday 1. participating in a panel discussion at a professional conference in Pennsylvania, and 2. attending a seminar/workshop in northern New Jersey.

See? NERD

When I mentioned having to drive to northern NJ just outside of New York City and being concerned about getting lost (I went to a conference in DC last year and ended up getting so lost I drove around the ‘hood for a half hour) a friend offered to come with me and do the driving. When I am at the seminar Sunday and Monday she will be in NYC seeing a show and shopping. My employer pays for the rental car, gas, and the hotel room so she gets a “free” trip to NYC and I get a driver. I am very happy to have the company.

I have never been to NYC before, but I will have Sunday evening free to do something or go somewhere…what should I do?

Past Peak

2008-10-26T18:08:00.007-04:00

There are still some pretty trees, like this one in my neighbor's yard.

But, we are mostly past peak season for the leaves changing here now.

Since winter is getting closer I spent some time today cleaning my deck and bringing in my planters. Look at this plant! Given my tendency to kill plants I think I need to go to all bachelors buttons in the planters next summer. It actually survived not just one summer and fall, but two summers, and even a winter of my neglect, and is still alive and blooming. Here it is in the corner of my garage referred to as the "plant graveyard". Hopefully it makes it through another winter.

Overheard on the Elevator

2008-10-21T16:41:00.004-04:00

This afternoon at work I overheard the following conversation between two male and two female college students on the elevator:

Female student 1: What happened?
Female student 2: When I said "I'll push your buttons" (student gesturing toward the elevator buttons), he said "I bet you would" real creepy.
Male student 1: Who said that?
Female student 2: He was an old guy, at least 40, and he was holding a stack of books.
Female student 1: Eww
Male student 1: I bet he was a professor or something. You should sue him.
Male student 2: You should have told him to give you 1000 dollars or you'll sue him.
Female student 2: It was really creepy
Male student 2: If I was a girl I would not put up with creepiness at all, I'd get some money for it.

Apparently these students believe experiencing "creepy" behavior should be worth some cash, and that blackmail is an acceptable way to deal with the situation. This is why I never meet with students with the door to my office closed.

First Frost

2008-10-20T18:43:00.003-04:00

Pictures taken while I was stuck in traffic from an accident this morning.

New Blog

2008-10-19T01:20:00.006-04:00

I have been struggling with some major writer's block the last several weeks and have been unable to make meaningful edits to my dissertation. So, I have been receiving lots of advice and trying lots of different things to shake some thoughts loose. One thing that helps me is to be creative. One friend suggested I start a blog to talk about the creative projects I work on as another way of taking my mind off of the writer's block. So, I have started a new blog about one of my favorite creative outlets, quilting. I am going to post pictures about my projects as I work on them. I may include creative things other than quilting too. I am going to link the blog here, so check it out if you are interested. But, I won't be linking that blog back here.

Here's a preview!

Un-Planned Pregnancy

2008-10-16T22:45:00.006-04:00

One of the more difficult parts of my job is dealing with the personal problems that my students share with me, from relationship problems, to the death of a parent or significant loved one, or pregnancy. I don't mind when students come to me with problems, in fact I think of it as my ministry. I do my best to advise and or help them, while asking God for wisdom. But, some problems are more difficult than others to deal with.

One of the most difficult situations for me to deal with is when a student tells me they are pregnant and have an appointment scheduled to have an abortion. It is difficult because it feels like exactly what it is, a life and death situation. My first impulse is to yell "please don't kill your baby!" but, if my objective is to prevent the abortion, that isn't going to help. Instead I listen, I offer alternatives, I encourage them to not base such an important decision on feelings or circumstances while silently begging God to help me change their mind. Then I wait and pray that they begin to look pregnant. While waiting sometimes I lay awake at night asking God if I should have said or done something else. I'm not sure why students come to me, but a very wise person I know tells me that she believes they come to me because they want me to talk them out of the abortion. I pray that is true.

After some recent discussions about pregnancy on others' blogs I have been thinking about something women say, including my students, when telling me about their pregnancy: "It wasn't a planned pregnancy." It wasn't planned? Please correct me if I am wrong here, but isn't having sex and becoming pregnant and then saying it wasn't a planned pregnancy kind of like eating a whole pizza every day for a week and gaining a five pounds and then saying "it wasn't a planned weight gain"? Isn't it like washing your face and brushing your teeth and putting on your nightie and climbing into bed and falling asleep and then saying "I didn't plan on sleeping"?

It is like birth control methods and abortion have separated sex from pregnancy, and in so doing have removed the cause and effect relationship between the two. No longer is the conception of a child viewed as the logical consequence of sex, rather it is "an accident". Is it any wonder that the child conceived in this manner can be dismissed as a "mistake".

Jealous?

2008-10-15T23:09:00.007-04:00

You know you wish you had slippers like this...

I didn't think we would see this again so soon...

2008-10-15T19:15:00.002-04:00