tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528619746014060177.post3452365095745623084..comments2023-10-26T10:07:09.186-04:00Comments on Learning to Balance: The Rantings of a Single Male: Part D.Learnerhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15089164231281806023noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528619746014060177.post-25469693314660632752008-01-08T13:17:00.000-05:002008-01-08T13:17:00.000-05:00"Yeah, because there is never anything of value th..."Yeah, because there is never anything of value that can be learned from ideas outside the mainstream. There is nothing to be gained from self-examination or thinking about issues in society from the point of view of someone different than yourself."<BR/><BR/>Sometimes there is, and sometimes there isn't.<BR/><BR/>"Especially for someone like me, since it is my life's ambition to entertain the selective attention of MRA extremists, particularly the embittered ones."<BR/><BR/>Well, at least you're honest about it! ;)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528619746014060177.post-32242040660662541102008-01-05T12:48:00.000-05:002008-01-05T12:48:00.000-05:00Hello again Annonymous and a happy Hew Year to you...Hello again Annonymous and a happy Hew Year to you.<BR/><BR/><I>Let's accept and work within these timeless truths rather than entertain the selective attention of embittered MRA extremists.</I><BR/><BR/>Yeah, because there is never anything of value that can be learned from ideas outside the mainstream. There is nothing to be gained from self-examination or thinking about issues in society from the point of view of someone different than yourself.<BR/><BR/>Especially for someone like me, since it is my life's ambition to entertain the selective attention of MRA extremists, particularly the embittered ones.Learnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15089164231281806023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528619746014060177.post-36665595230028342932008-01-04T20:55:00.000-05:002008-01-04T20:55:00.000-05:00First of all, you can't exactly blame feminism for...First of all, you can't exactly blame feminism for men giving women diamonds! As the perennial engagement stone, they predate not only commercials and Gloria Steinem, but Marilyn "Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend" Monroe herself. <BR/><BR/>In relationships with men, women don't so much expect men "to suck up” or buy them diamonds "just to make them feel worthy" (as if "bling" = self-esteem is a widespread female problem that needs to be addressed!), but rather to feel secure about the guy's investment in the relationship. Because for the vast majority of men, when they are committed, that's what they do: buy romantic gifts of a value that reflects their feelings towards her, within their range of affordability. You might prefer to be given books and other less expensive things that demonstrate that the man's been thinking about what interests you, but gifts aren't always about what the receiver wants, they are also about what the giver wants to say (about their FEELINGS, it's not about THOUGHTS). If a man you've been hanging out with gives you a book on Valentine's Day but gives jewelry or a small heart-shaped box to another woman he's been seeing, then you can be sure that she's the one he'd rather be with. <BR/><BR/>Of course, a man spending a lot of money on jewelry is no guarantee that he will be faithful, respectful and committed in the long run, and it's true that there are a few men who are devoted, but cheap (just as there are some women who may have unrealistic expectations for "bling"). But by and large, as the relationship ramps up towards marriage, so do the gifts (however humble they may be for the student suitor) culminating with the engagement ring, which is almost always a diamond within the guy's range of affordability. Why? Not because women have a need to "cause men to suffer", as Ellis cynically theorizes, but because a diamond on her finger is a universal symbol of permanence that sends out a signal that says "back off -- she's mine for good" better than a book in her bag ever could. <BR/> <BR/>So, is it really necessary for a man to spend a lot of money on the woman he wants to marry for her to agree to marry him? I think both men and women would agree that there needs to be some signal of material investment, because we know that's how men operate. Similarly, another blogger opined that men needed to pursue women because women needed to be pursued. But I would say it's the other way around: it's the man that needs to do the pursuing, because men just don't commit to women who pursue them. So a woman need to see some evidence that some pursuit is taking place, otherwise she will justifiably intuit that the relationship's not likely to go anywhere. As if women wouldn't like to be the ones doing the picking and choosing! Those who try will find that pursuing men can get them sex, but not love. <BR/><BR/>You write: "Ellis theorizes that women desire commitment, not in order to commit to a specific man, but rather to commit to a lifestyle or a 'relationship' apart from the actual man they marry because 'it’s the concept of commitment itself that women love, not men' (p. 33). It is valid to consider his point here. Does the desire to marry a man arise from simply wanting to be married or does it arise from the desire to be married to a specific man because you love him?" Actually, this is an unfairly judgemental question. Because men are the pursuers who don't commit to those they don't pursue, women must choose from those men who are pursuing them, most of whom they probably don't have much attraction to (whereas men don't pursue women they are not attracted to-- pre-emptive rejection is their perogative, with the risk of upfront rejection as the price they pay for it). Think about it: of all the men who have pursued you so far, what percentage have you felt you could love? It can't be very many if you're still single. But nowadays, a woman who turns men down who they're not attracted to are admired for their "integrity", whereas 50 years ago they would have been thought of as foolhardy. Many of us owe our very existence to mothers who "settled" for our fathers. Remember: wedding vows do not ask women "do you love this man?", they ask "will you love this man?". And most eventually will -- especially once the children come along, precipitating hormonal changes that promote bonding as well as the dire necessity for family commitment. <BR/><BR/>Ellis may present the argument that commitment is inherently a bad idea for men because it does not allow them an "out", for fear of dysfunctional relationships that could entail the wife being demanding, requiring he spends more money on her, denying him sex, gaining a lot of weight, pursuing an expensive divorce, or accusing him of sexual assault. But he fails to admit the biggest reason why men fear commitment: BECAUSE SOMETHING BETTER MIGHT COME ALONG. Sure, there are women who have also fallen prey to this mirage, but the "masculine pursuit mechanism" that allows men to fall in love at first sight and then lose interest and move on to another conquest has everything to do with why all cultures around the world require men to demonstrate some measure of sacrifice. Let's accept and work within these timeless truths rather than entertain the selective attention of embittered MRA extremists.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528619746014060177.post-36592562395063205982008-01-03T23:03:00.000-05:002008-01-03T23:03:00.000-05:00Hi Ame,I hope you had a nice Christmas and New Yea...Hi Ame,<BR/><BR/>I hope you had a nice Christmas and New Years.<BR/><BR/>Thank you for your comment, you often give me good things to think about. :)Learnerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15089164231281806023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6528619746014060177.post-60996535721817067092008-01-03T09:35:00.000-05:002008-01-03T09:35:00.000-05:00"“messed with my mind” a bit because of the author..."“messed with my mind” a bit because of the author’s differing world view."<BR/><BR/>You are wise here. There is a point after which we do not need to expose ourselves to the information for the sake of the information.<BR/><BR/>***<BR/><BR/>"In this section of the book Mr. Ellis doesn't really make it clear what he thinks women should base their self-worth on. I would argue that women, and men, should base their worth on who God says they are"<BR/><BR/>Yes.<BR/><BR/>***<BR/><BR/>"Ellis goes on to argue that women prefer gifts that are useless and impractical because “wasting” money demonstrates that the man values the woman over money."<BR/><BR/>This is definitely true for some women. Yet, if Mr. Ellis is dating women of the world, this is what he will find. Unfortunately, finding a woman who values true value and not monitary value is still rare in the "Christian" community, too.<BR/><BR/>I've noticed that most women do not wear their expensive, huge diamonds all the time ... they usually wear simply their wedding band. When you get into laundry and changing diapers and cleaning and running errands and washing hands over and over and over, a huge diamond is impractical. <BR/><BR/>While my ex and I were separated for 8 months I did not want to wear my wedding set, so I purchased a wedding band for myself ... I knew I wanted to still portray the truth that I was married, but the sickness he had brought into our marriage made wearing the wedding set sickening to me. Through prayer, I decided to purchase a wedding band. I also wore this wedding band from the time he moved out permanently till the divorce decree was final, ironically, that was also 8 months. <BR/><BR/>Honestly, I LOVED having ONLY a wedding band! I never had to worry about getting the diamond caught on anything or how many times I washed hands or keeping it clean or ever taking it off. It was nice.<BR/><BR/>***<BR/><BR/>"Does the desire to marry a man arise from simply wanting to be married or does it arise from the desire to be married to a specific man because you love him?"<BR/><BR/>I think the desire to be married drives us to marry a man because we love him. This is healthy when the desire and love are healthy and balanced. It is not healthy when they're all skewed. For example, when one desires to be married because they think it will solve all their problems or end all their lonliness, etc, that is placing something on marriage that can only be placed on God.<BR/><BR/>***<BR/><BR/>"there are always risks with commitment. Commitments do not guarantee anything."<BR/><BR/>Yes. Yes.<BR/><BR/>***<BR/><BR/>I know you want to keep your biblical worldview separate, but I do not see how one can keep their worldview separate from life, especially marriage and male/female relationships. His worldview is certainly mixed heavily into his writings. Yes, feminism has truly damaged us, our society, and has been very detrimental to men. But if we only hold a secular worldview, then we have no hope at all which gives us no place to go from the bitterness and anger. It is only in Christ that we have hope to find a way out of this mess that is healthy.Amehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14358641966141610513noreply@blogger.com